


You're right next to me (I can feel the distance)

by MurderRose



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Infidelity, M/M, Marriage, Political Drama, Religious Content, Therapy, Vaguely insidious elements but honestly that's up to interpretation, a religious gay, aka for me, but do they, for the religious gays, lets get that one out of the way right away, up to you to decide, wherein jeonghan and joshua deserve each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28129680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderRose/pseuds/MurderRose
Summary: “Joshua, you married me—” Joshua looked back up, “you stood in front of God and our families and promised to love me always, to care for me, cherish and protect me and never to stray.”“I did promise that.”“And yet?”Joshua shook his head, “I never stopped loving you, Jeonghan, I swear.  I adore you, you’re the sun and the moon to me, you mean everything—”“Then why?  Why did you have an affair with someone else?”
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Other(s), Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 57
Kudos: 91





	1. Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Hello folks!! Exam related insanity has caused me to abandon previous plans and post this as a chaptered (gasp) fic! I imagine updates will be somewhat weekly, potentially barring next week as is the day of Christ aka Christmas and potentially I shall be too busy.
> 
> The religious overtones aren't too intense, so if that's a deal-breaker you'll be fine. They married gays, church married gays.
> 
> There is a [Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/48uCxfSegc1pqCZA95ytmH), it's sort of out of order but it is a _good_ playlist so enjoy that!
> 
> The usual disclaimer–I don't know SVT, who are they? 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> Rose xx

_funny how the cracks don’t seem to show_

Jeonghan looked at him. He had his careful politician’s spouse face on, the one that said ‘I have thoughts but you will never hear them’. Joshua ached, he had helped him to create that mask, helped him to perfect it, had never thought for a moment that he’d be on its receiving side. He opened his mouth but Jeonghan held up a hand.

“I refuse to stand up beside you and smile.”

“Mr. Hong, I think you should reconsider–” Seungkwan cut in and Jeonghan turned and raised an eyebrow at him.

“When your husband cheats on you and doesn’t even tell you before he does an interview, you can give me advice. Until then, please shut your mouth.” he turned back to Joshua. 

“I won’t divorce you. But I refuse to lie to the world any more than we already do. And please make sure I never have to meet him. It is a him, right?”

Joshua nodded jerkily and Jeonghan barely reacted.

“Right. I don’t want to hear him, smell him, see him or bump into him in the hall. If you’re still with him, change and shower. I’m not going to beg you to stop seeing him, you clearly don’t care for my opinion. Move into the guest room. Indefinitely.”

“Mr. Hong, are you still planning on attending the charity function? For abuse victims?”

“The domestic abuse one? I’m going. But I don’t need you to tell me the optics. I promised, so I will go. You can deal with the media.”

“Jeongh–”

“Don’t,” Jeonghan put his hand out at his hip, looking down. “Just, don’t. What you did is inexcusable, and despicable. I’m your husband–” his voice cracked, “–and I wasn’t enough. So. Please. Don’t.”

  
  
  


  
  
  


Jeonghan only managed to get through the rest of his meetings and finish the day with a straight face and an iron spine by repeating a litany of prayers over and over and over in his head. But his mind kept going back to the vows he and Joshua had made to each other, and the ones they repeated each year. To have and to hold. To cherish and protect. To love and to honour. Kept going over the past days and weeks and months and years—they were hardly ever apart, they hadn’t spent more than a night apart in months, and even then it had only been a few days. Jeonghan had woken up tangled in his arms that morning, like he always did. It was impossible to imagine when he’d had the time to have an affair. 

He ate in a sort of fugue state, going through the motions mechanically, thankful that Joshua had taken the guest bedroom and had apparently eaten earlier. He showered and pulled on pyjamas before sitting down on the edge of their bed and staring at the floor.

What was he supposed to do?

His phone rang, it had been ringing all day, but when Seokmin’s name flashed up on the screen Jeonghan swiped up.

_“Hi, how are you?”_

“I’m okay.” Jeonghan murmured, staring at the carefully chosen painting opposite their bed. It had been his 25th wedding anniversary present. A gorgeous oil on canvas rendition of their wedding bands. It seemed to mock him.

“ _I know you’re not okay, don’t lie to me, be honest–”_ His best friend chastised gently but Jeonghan shook his head, the tears that he’d kept at bay since noon rising heavily behind his eyes.

“If I’m honest, I’ll lose control.”

“ _Let’s meet for lunch tomorrow?”_

“Please? I have to get an STI test, who knows–” Jeonghan broke off, pressing the back of his hand to each eye, “I can meet you after? There’s a function in the morning, I don’t know how I’m going to–”

“ _You’re stronger than you think.”_

Jeonghan pressed his eyes shut and held the phone tightly, words caught in his throat and Seokmin just made gentle noises across the line and Jeonghan didn’t—couldn’t—open his eyes. He was sitting on the edge of their bed, one hand clenching the plush blue throw that lay along the end of their bed, over the heavy white cotton duvet cover with their initials embroidered in the centre. Another anniversary gift, from him this time. A sob clawed itself out of his throat and he clamped his lips shut. Their bedroom smelled like Joshua.

Smelt like home.

“ _Have a cry, Jeonghan, let it out, it’s better than keeping it in, and it’s only me here.”_

Jeonghan shook his head, he didn’t want to give him his tears.

“ _It’s only me. Better now, when there are no cameras than tomorrow, yeah?”_

“How could he do this to me? How could he—” Jeonghan’s shoulders shook and he collapsed sideways onto the bed, curling into a tight ball around the phone, “How could he? He promised forever and always, Minnie, he promised to—” Jeonghan lost his words to sobs.

“ _I don’t know, I don’t know. You’re going to be okay, I promise. It’s going to be okay.”_

  
  


  
  
  


Jeonghan’s PA brought him his favourite suit the next morning. He’d rung her and practically begged her to either get the dry cleaners to rush it out or to pick up an identical one. She was terrifying and the dry cleaners had handed it to her at 6.15 am.

“Jeonghan, I’m so sorry. As always, anything you need.” Amy said, handing him the suit and a hot chocolate from his favourite café. That would be the last of it he’d hear from her and he was grateful. 

“Thanks. Can you make it so I’m not beside him at any official functions? I rang the kids last night and neither of them picked up, can you have someone ring on the hour, get the phone to me when one of them picks up,” Jeonghan took a gulp of the hot chocolate and Amy made notes with her stylus.

“This is just what I needed, thanks. Can you make sure his aide knows that he’ll need a massage by Sunday night? Every Sunday night. I’m sure there’s a masseuse nearby. I’ll be reducing my commitment to this campaign to one—maximum two—days per week. Let the office know that I’ll be available three days a week, with at least one in the office. Minghao should be pleased with that. And can you get me a list of presidents and senators who cheated on their spouses, please? The more prominent the better. Right, give me 10 minutes.” Jeonghan waited until she nodded and left the room to press his hands through his hair and let out a silent scream before taking off his robe and armouring up.

There was something to be said about a well tailored blazer. 

He laced up his shoes and turned to look in the mirror, fixing his cuffs and adjusting the placement of the tiny broach that the kids had given him for Christmas before affixing a smile in place and taking a deep breath.

He could do this.

  
  


  
  


The charity event was painless. He was there, mainly, as money and political support. And the attendees all had tact that the rest of the populace could borrow, they didn’t ask him anything he didn’t want to answer, just the usual questions and the social niceties that one could expect from such an event.

Jeonghan sat into the car with a silent sigh and accepted the phone off Amy.

“ _Appa.”_ His eldest, Wonwoo greeted him quietly.

“Wonwoo, I tried to call you–”

“ _I can’t believe Dad did that to you. To us. Nobody is even looking at me in school, and Soonyoungie cried for two hours last night. Can we come home?”_

“Oh, I called and called–”

“ _We kept getting texted and tagged in things and stuff so we turned our phones off. Can we come home? Or can you come visit? Please? I just, I really want to see you.”_

“I’ll visit. As soon as I can. But we can video call tonight?” Jeonghan looked out the window and blinked back tears.

_“We’ll call you? After 9?”_

“That sounds perfect. Tell your brother I love him.”

“ _I will.”_

“And Wonwoo?”

“ _Yes Appa?”_

“I love you.”

_“Love you more.”_

Jeonghan hung up and turned to Amy, “I want to visit them this weekend. Can we do that?”

Amy tilted her head, mentally checking his schedule.

“You’re free from noon on Friday. If you fly, you’ll be there by 2 pm; but that’s going against your husband’s stance on carbon footprints, so you should probably drive, which would mean 4 pm at the earliest. What do you want to do?”

Jeonghan stepped out of the car, blinking at the camera lights and nodded his head at the few reporters he recognised. Of course they were at the clinic he was going to get tested at. Why wouldn’t they be? 

“What’s the morning appointment?”

“Spousal interview with The Times.”

“Would you ring and ask if they would mind driving down with me? Let them think whatever they want. I’d like to get there by lunch time.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Great. And can you see if we can make Monday to Wednesday digital meetings only? I’ll be staying in the house for as long as I can. Let him know.”

Amy nodded, the corners of her lips twitching into a smile.

“Of course. I’ll get right on it. Do you want me to tell the kids and their school?”

“Please.”

“Right, enjoy your test.”

Jeonghan just looked at her. Enjoy. Right.

  
  


  
  


Jeonghan arrived back at their apartment exhausted and drained. His favourite meal was on the table, a glass of wine and six squares of chocolate beside it. He wanted to curl up beside Jisoo, tell him how awful the press were and how distraught Soonyoung had been on the phone that afternoon. He wanted to watch the next episode in the series they were watching together and one of his brilliant head massages.

He sat down, turned on a soft, dinnertime jazz playlist, tried to pretend that his husband was just out of state, and ate his dinner.

He was in bed when the kids rang, nestled into the freshly laundered sheets with a mug of hot chocolate and about seventeen blankets, laptop propped on his lap.

“ _Appa!!”_ Soonyoung appeared on the screen and Jeonghan just wanted to hug them both so tightly, as bad as this was for him, it had to be ten times worse for the kids.

They spent twenty minutes going over all of their days, highs and lows, and Jeonghan reaffirmed that he would be home that weekend for at least a week and that they had been cleared to commute while he was home.

He was just telling them how much he loved them, for the third time, when the door to his bedroom opened slowly and Joshua poked his head around it. 

‘I heard the kids,’ he mouthed, ‘can I talk to them, please?’ 

“Kids? Do you want to talk to your father?”

Wonwoo shook his head, “ _Not tonight. I, not tonight.”_

_“No! Appa can you tell us a story?”_

Jeonghan flicked his eyes up but Jisoo was already gone.

“ _Can you sing? Or, read? I know we’re grown up but–”_

“You’re never too grown up to be read to. Neither of you. Alright? What do you want?”

_“Do you have The Little Prince?”_

Jeonghan set the laptop down to one side and leaned out of the bed to root through his locker.

“I have it in French?”

“ _Yes please, Appa.”_ Soonyoung nestled into Wonwoo’s side, the camera set against their knees.

“Are you allowed to stay with your brother tonight? If you fall asleep–”

“ _He’s allowed.”_

“Okay, you’re such a good Hyung, Wonwoo, thank you. Okay, Soonyoung? Have you washed your face and brushed your teeth?”

Soonyoung disappeared off the camera after a shake of his head and Wonwoo set the phone down against his clock. _“We’ll be back soon.”_

So grown up and yet, still very much a child.

  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  


The reporter was overjoyed and graciously accepted the invite to interview Jeonghan in the car, saying that he needed to get out of state anyway and he might as well take the opportunity for a weekend away.

Jeonghan just smiled politely and gestured to the seat beside him. If and when Joshua found out he’d probably have a heart attack, if there was one thing Jeonghan hated about the fact that his husband was a politician was the press aspect. But here he was, welcoming an adder into his nest.

A pretty adder.

“Good Morning Mr Hong, I’m Mingyu Kim, I spoke to your assistant?”

Amy turned around in the passenger seat.

“That was me, it’s nice to meet you. Make yourself comfortable, we have tea, coffee?”

“Tea sounds good, thank you,” Mingyu belted up and took out his notebook, “Do you mind if I record this interview?”

Jeonghan looked at him, “This is a four hour drive, you can record an hour of interview but after that I’d like you to turn it off.”

Mingyu nodded, “Of course. Thank you again for this opportunity.” It went without saying that Jeonghan could easily have either refused the interview or done a phone call. They both knew he was making a statement.

“Let’s get this out of the way first,” Jeonghan started quietly and Mingyu fumbled the recorder, pressing play and uncapping his pen. Jeonghan swallowed a laugh. 

“All you’ll be getting from me on the matter of my husband’s affair is no comment.”

Mingyu nodded again, “So if I ask did you know before he spoke?”

“No comment.”

“And if you know who it is?”

“No comment.”

“Right, okay. So the fact that you’re reducing your commitment to the campaign by 50% is unrelated to his affair?”

Jeonghan smiled with his teeth, “No comment.”

“Okay. Great, thanks for that. Let’s get started then! This is the point where I usually ask about how you two met…” Mingyu trailed off and Jeonghan waited. “How did you two meet?”

“We met in university. Bumped into him in church and couldn’t take my eyes off him. After two weeks, I noticed that he couldn’t keep his eyes off me. I said, ‘If you’re going to keep looking at me, and I’m going to keep looking back, we might as well be introduced—I’m Jeonghan Yoon.”

Mingyu smiled, something soft and hummed, “You met in church, and we know that Candidate Hong is devout, can I take it that you are too?”

“Faith is important to me. Which one you have I’m not too bothered about, but I like to think it keeps me humble. Unless one of us is out of state, we attend services together. I think we’ve only missed nine or ten Sundays since we got married.”

Mingyu stared at him, “You’ve been married for twenty six years! And only been apart for ten Sundays?”

Jeonghan let his lips curve into a smile, swallowing back the knowledge that this Sunday would make eleven. A prime number. “Our church is important to us.”

“That’s amazing. If you have a tip for a strong marriage what would you say?”

Oh this reporter was daring. “Well, we’ve always been honest and returned phone calls within an hour. But honestly?”

Mingyu nodded, “Please.”

“Honestly, I think a marriage is equal parts love, patience and time. And a decent mattress.”

Mingyu brought the interview away from his husband, asking Jeonghan about his career, and charities he supported, if he had any goals for the year, if he had any words for students planning on studying marketing, and then when they only had five minutes of official interview left, he asked what he had to say to undecided voters.

“This election should be based on the policies and the politics and not on my husband’s personal life. I’d very much like if we were left to work things out privately, as you know the press is rarely beneficial to a marriage. When you vote, vote on my husband’s politics. Not on his personal liaisons. I’ll be voting Hong, will you?” 

“Thank you Mr. Hong, it’s been a pleasure.”

“The pleasure was all mine.”

Mingyu stopped the recorder and closed his notebook, putting them both into his satchel. “That was brilliant, I have everything I need, thank you. Off the record now.”

“In that case, who are you voting for?” Jeonghan leaned against the window, hiding a yawn in his hand.

“I can’t tell you that!”

“I know I know, I had to try. What’s your favourite question to ask people?”

Mingyu hummed, “Their favourite dish to cook. I hardly ever ask it, but I think it reveals a lot about a person.”

“What’s yours?”

“I love a big noodle broth. Just like five litres of it in a pot, cooking away for a few hours, being able to feed anyone who comes over. Comfort food. What about you?”

Jeonghan hummed, what did he like to cook? The kids loved it when he made either beef chili bowls or sesame chicken. Joshua adored his korma. What did he like to cook the most? 

“It’s probably a Sunday roast if I’m being honest. Just being able to put it on early and let it cook slow and low all morning, a big tray of roast veg, and then making the gravy from the juices of the meat and the veg it cooked on, therapeutic.”

  
  


They dropped Mingyu off at the town a few miles from their house, and Amy at her house. She really was the best PA. Jeonghan went to do a big grocery shop, and then sent the driver home.

He was home now.

Jeonghan put a spaghetti bolognese on low and took out his phone to answer some emails and watched, unsurprised but no less irritated when it revealed itself to contain over 20 missed calls. He nudged it into the wastepaper basket and pushed that under the drinks cabinet. He could manage with the house phone and his laptop.

He was 30 emails into a 49 email inbox when the keys turned in the front door, quickly followed by the thud of school bags, a quiet scuffle with what Jeonghan presumed were shoes and coats, before Soonyoung came tearing through the house, calling for him loudly before halting in the doorway of the living room.

Jeonghan closed the laptop and turned slightly, “Baby—”

Soonyoung ran across the room and jumped into his lap, “Appa, appa, appa, appa~” His tears wet Jeonghan’s neck and he wrapped his arms around him.

“You’re okay, I have you, it’s going to be alright. You’re okay, baby, Appa’s here,” Jeonghan leaned further back into the cushions, holding his youngest tightly. He looked past him to Wonwoo dithering in the doorway. 

“Sweetie,” Jeonghan held out an arm and was gratified when Wonwoo planted himself down by his side, worming an arm around his stomach and pressing his face against his chest. He wrapped his arm around him too. 

“Oh my gorgeous boys, you’re okay. I have you.”

Eventually Wonwoo pulled back, “I’ll make hot chocolate.”

Jeonghan smiled, “Thank you, Wonwoo, you’re—”

“Appa, don’t~” Wonwoo whined, leaving the room and Jeonghan smiled into Soonyoung’s hair. 

“Soonie? Talk to me.”

“I don’t like school, everyone stares and it's long and hard and you’re so far away, and Hyung is busy and Dad made everything worse,” Soonyoung whispered, “I want to stay home.”

“Oh, baby, it’ll get easier, I promise. Your Hyung felt the same, I promise it’ll get easier.”

“But Appa, hyung didn’t have everyone whispering about you and Dad, and hardly any of it is nice, they call you names and it hurts, and I miss you.”

Ah. “What do they say baby?”

Soonyoung shook his head.

“If you tell me I can tell you they’re not true, hm?” Jeonghan smoothed Soonyoung’s hair behind his ear, gentle. “And I’m sure you have some questions, that’s what I’m here for, hm?”

Soonyoung shook his head and then nodded and then shook his head, and then nodded before whispering a string of insults into Jeonghan’s ear. Jeonghan kept rubbing his back slowly, none of them were new, some of them were inventive, but ten year-olds were known for being cruel.

“I’m sorry you had to hear those words, baby.”

Soonyoung sobbed a little, burrowing back into Jeonghan’s chest and Jeonghan draped a blanket over him, hugging him tight.

“But they’re all just cruel and silly insults for men like your father and I, who love other men. And that last one was just a pejorative term for people who stay at home and take care of children and cooking and cleaning. And it goes without saying that I never want to hear of you using any of them, alright?”

“Yes, Appa.”

“Just ignore them. They’re just repeating what they’ve heard at home, and their parents should know better. I’ll talk to your teachers.”

“No, that’ll make it worse, that’ll make them hate me, Appa I want to make friends~”

“You will make friends, baby, friends who are nice and well educated, hm? Your teachers’ job is to make sure people aren’t being bullied.”

“Appa, they can’t be everywhere,” Wonwoo said, putting three mugs of hot chocolate, piled high with marshmallows and chocolate shavings on the table. “And it might make it worse.”

“Please don’t make it worse, Appa, please!”

“Okay okay, we’ll give it a week. If they’re still making you upset and being cruel by next Friday, I’m ringing the Headmaster and fixing this, alright?” Jeonghan decided, gentle but in his ‘Appa has made a decision’ voice and both of his boys nodded. 

“Good. Now, Soonyoung-love, sit up and drink your hot chocolate. Wonwoo made it for you, isn’t he very good?”

“Thanks hyung.”

Wonwoo smiled into his mug, watching the two of them carefully as they took big gulps.

“This is delicious, what did you do?”

“I made it with chocolate, half a bar and two pints of milk. I turned off the hob by the way.”

“Oh thanks. Well it certainly paid off. This is fantastic.”

“Appa?” Wonwoo asked quietly when they’d finished their drinks and Soonyoung had cuddled back into Jeonghan, eyes closed.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“The TV said that Dad is having an affair, does that mean we shouldn’t talk to him?”

Jeonghan looked at his eldest, he looked exhausted. Wonwoo was their worrier, this had to be eating at him. “No. No it doesn’t. He’s your Dad. That hasn’t changed and will never change, alright?”

“Okay, okay.”

“How much he loves you will never change.” Jeonghan would kill him if it did.

“But if he loves us shouldn’t he have,” Wonwoo pursed his lips together and looked up to the ceiling, “not done that?”

“What happened is between your Dad and I, alright? You don’t need to worry about it, we both love you, we’re always going to be here for you. But I want you to be honest with me about how you feel. No bottling anything up, if you’re angry or upset or confused, you can tell me. You don’t have to pretend. And I’m not going to get mad at you for missing Dad or for loving Dad or for wanting to talk to him and not me. I never have and I never will.”

Wonwoo nodded, scooting closer on the couch, “What do I say to my friends?”

“What do you want to say?”

“I don’t want to tell them anything, it hurts too much, Dad shouldn’t have done it, I don’t, does he love us?”

“Hey, hey,” Jeonghan wiped tears from under Wonwoo’s eyes and kissed his head, “Now, stop that. Your Dad loves you, he loves Soonyoung. This was a mistake, and it doesn’t change that you’re his kids. Have you talked to him?”

“No,” Wonwoo whispered and Jeonghan squeezed him tighter. He was so mad. “I don’t know how to.”

“Oh sweetie.” He should offer to ring him so they could talk, but the words just wouldn’t leave his lips. He settled for a silent prayer. For strength, for patience, for the ability to forgive.

“What do I say to my friends?”

“You can tell them that you don’t want to talk about it, if you want. You can tell them how you feel. You can tell them everything you know, if you want. You don’t have to tell them anything and if they push then you can tell them to go away. I give you permission to do that, okay?”

Wonwoo nodded.

“We love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Appa, I love you too.” Soonyoung mumbled and Jeonghan squeezed them both tightly.

“Why don’t we get changed into pyjamas, have dinner and watch a movie?”

  
  


They spent Saturday in their pyjamas, piled into the master bed and watching TV. It was unusual for Wonwoo to be so cuddly but Jeonghan didn’t bring attention to it, just let him squirm as tight as he could to his side. Soonyoung practically leeched to him the entire weekend and Jeonghan just focused on his kids. Forgot about the whole situation, forgot about anything that wasn’t the two most important people in his life.

And on Sunday they went to church, Jeonghan getting up early to have a long shower, closing his eyes under the hot water and praying for the strength to face his friends.

They had a light breakfast and Jeonghan ushered them into the car, grabbing his bag and locking up after them. 

“Boys?” He looked in the rear view mirror, “People are probably going to ask you questions. Just be polite, as usual, and don’t answer if you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to go to Sunday school if you don’t want to, you can stay with me, alright?”

They both nodded and Jeonghan held back a sigh. He didn’t want to ruin this for them, church was always something they had done as a family and this shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.

Fr. Thomas focused his homily on forgiveness and the power of love. 

“Jeonghan, I’m so sorry. I would never have guessed,” The priest took Jeonghan’s hands as they were leaving the church, “You know you can confide in me. Both of you.”

“Thank you, Father. I,” Jeonghan smiled tightly, meeting his eyes, “He’s my husband.” The three words managed to say more than paragraphs ever could, and the priest nodded, understanding filling his eyes. Love was one thing. This was more.

“Of course he is. Jeonghan, forgive him as quickly as you’d like to be forgiven.”

Jeonghan took a shaky breath.

“I’m trying, Father, I’m trying—”

“I know. Patience, and have faith that love will prevail. The parsonage is always open to you, you know I have an open door policy?”

“Yes. Thank you. And the sermon was lovely, I’m sorry, I really must go—”

“Of course, of course. But do think about dropping in.”

Jeonghan nodded and looked for his boys, motioning them over with a smile and giving the priest another smile. 

“Ready to go, boys?”

  
  


On Monday, Seongja dropped over, bringing with her a large platter of biscuits and a tub of ice-cream. Jeonghan opened the door to her, only to be caught up in a tight hug.

“Oppa, I’m so sorry, I’ve been calling and texting—”

“I put my phone in a bin, I couldn’t—”

“I can’t imagine how you feel, have you spoken to a lawyer?”

“I don’t want to get divorced, he’s the love of my life, how could he?”

“I know a lawyer, she’s good, she helped Sansa with her divorce, I can get you her—you don’t want to get divorced? But he cheated on you? Oppa, don’t be a doormat, it’s 2022, nobody expects people to stay with their husbands after something like this.”

“But I love him.” Jeonghan whispered into her hair and she sighed, rubbing his back.

“I know you do, I know. Come on, let me in.”

  
  


Wonwoo had debate on Tuesday nights, so it was just Jeonghan and Soonyoung, the latter grumbling his way through his homework before heading up to Jeonghan’s office.

“Appa, I’m finished.”

“Okay, can you wait ten minutes? I just have to finish this and then I’m all yours. Think about what you want to eat?” Jeonghan flicked his eyes up to look at him before turning back to the screen.

Soonyoung sat down into the armchair in the corner of Jeonghan’s office and drew his legs up to his chest. 

Jeonghan kept an eye on him while he finished up, adding the final touches to a proposal and sending it off, doing a final check of his inbox, saving and closing down all the open documents before powering the computer off.

“I’m all yours.” Jeonghan swivelled the chair around and looked at Soonyoung critically. He looked worried. Overtired.

Soonyoung unfolded his legs and looked down at his slippers. 

“I want friends, Appa.”

“What happened to Louis? And Anna? Are they not your friends anymore?” They’d been over a lot during the summer break and not for the first time Jeonghan questioned their decision to send the kids to a boarding school. It was harder to be constantly aware. Harder to be constantly there.

Soonyoung shook his head, “They’re in a different house now, and we don’t take the same classes. They’re doing hyung’s classes but I don’t know anyone in arts and I don’t think anybody likes me, Appa.”

Jeonghan rolled over beside him, “That’s not true, baby. You’re such a genuine person, and you’re funny, and clever, and talented. I bet there’s lots of people who like you. You just don’t know it yet, hm? It’s only been five weeks, right?”

Soonyoung nodded.

“And if everyone has shuffled around, I bet lots of your classmates don’t have their friends sorted out yet. What do you think?”

“Yunho has lots of friends.” Soonyoung muttered and Jeonghan refrained from rolling his eyes. Yunho was Mr. Popular but also Mr. Rich Parents and Mr. Spoiled Brat. Yunho wasn’t a name that they liked hearing in the Hong household.

“You’ll make good friends, I know you will. It just might take some time. What about the clubs? Have you decided on any that you want to join?”

Soonyoung whispered something and Jeonghan leaned closer.

“What was that?”

“Nevermind.”

“I didn’t say no, baby, I just didn’t hear you. Tell me what you said?”

“I wanna do dance, but it’s a girl’s club.” Soonyoung whispered and tensed up.

“Who said it’s a girl’s club? Of course you can do dance.”

“Don’t you have to ask Daddy?”

Jeonghan gave in and pulled Soonyoung onto his lap, “No, I don’t. Do you want to ask Daddy?”

Soonyoung shook his head and squished back into Jeonghan, “I want to learn how to dance like they do in the theatre, and in the ballet, and like the singers do in their videos, like Taemin and like noona.”

“Like Sara?” Seongja’s eldest studied ballet.

Soonyoung nodded, “But hyung said only girls take dance.”

“Maybe in his year, but as you said, Taemin is a dancer, and so is Micheal Jackson, and all the classic film stars had to dance. Your Daddy loves Fred Astaire doesn’t he?”

“Daddy can’t dance.” Flat, direct, Jeonghan smothered a snort. He wasn’t wrong.

“I know he can’t, but he likes to watch it, doesn’t he? If you want to take dance, you can take dance, alright? And maybe there are other boys who want to learn but they’re scared they’ll be the only boy?”

Soonyoung paused, “Oh, maybe.”

“And if there aren’t, Wonwoo’s best friend is a girl, you can be friends with girls, they’re lovely too alright? Even if there are boys in the class. You can be friends with anyone.”

Soonyoung mulled that over for a while, Jeonghan slowly running his fingers through his hair and waiting patiently.

“Okay. Can we have burgers?”

“Do you want to help me make them?”

“Do I have to?”

“No, but you can help me make dinner or you can hoover the stairs, your choice.”

“Can we put cheese in them?”

“Of course we can.”

  
  


Jeonghan closed his computer, dropping his head into his hands with a sigh, working from home was great but it was a menace to the eyes. 

This was the point where he'd go into Joshua and distract him from his own work with a mug of hot water and lemon and kisses to his neck until he turned away from the screen with a laugh and a quiet ‘what is it?’ And then he'd gently massage Jeonghan's temples before thanking him for the water and insisting that he spend another hour on whatever he was working on.

Well.

Jeonghan went downstairs and filled the kettle, opening the cupboards and pulling out a packet of biscuits. The kids would be home in an hour. 

He flicked open the address book they kept by the cookbooks and tapped Seungcheol's number into the phone.

The number rang and rang and—" _Seungcheol Choi speaking_."

"Hi Seungcheol, it's Jeonghan."

_"Oh, right, hi, em—"_

"I'm sorry if you rang, I'm using a different phone at the minute. I presume Joshua told you? Or at least, you heard on the radio, maybe the paper, what about the TV?" Jeonghan tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but he couldn’t quite manage.

_"Yeah, I'm so sorry Jeonghan."_

"Thanks, yeah, it's not your fault. I just—oh I'm sorry, are you busy?"

_"For you? No, no I've just finished something, I'm all yours."_

"Thanks, I've moved home for the moment, I just wanted to talk to another adult," Jeonghan poured boiling water over two slices of lemon and a slice of ginger. "I just, I just can't figure out how I didn't know? Like, it's not as if he was distant or we didn't talk or he even spent nights away, not really. I can't even tell you any moments where I was suspicious. He was either with me, at work, or with you. I just can't really get over the fact that not only did he cheat on me, he didn't even give me a heads up before admitting it in an interview. What the hell?"

_"I can't believe he didn't tell you, Jeonghan that's awful."_

"I know, he came out of the interview, Seungkwan pulled me out of my meeting and he didn't even wait until we were in private, just stopped me in the hallway, in between all of his aides and said 'Jeonghan, I've been having an affair.' I don't really know what to do?"

There was an intake of breath from the other side of the line and Jeonghan took a sip of his water, burning the roof of his mouth like usual. 

_"Christ, I mean, he told me before he did the interview, I would have said, I didn't, I mean, that's awful."_

"Of course he did,” Jeonghan rolled his eyes and turned to lean back against the counter, “Thanks. I don't know how much of a difference it would have made. My sister and Seokmin think I should get a divorce, and I just. Why should I have to lose my marriage and my love because he fell into bed with some fly-by-night? Surely it's on him to apologise and make it up to me? We made—" Jeonghan cut himself off. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be crude. It's just, the only reasonable explanation and by reasonable I mean predictable and trite, is that it was a midlife crisis, he wanted a younger model and he had a fling. I'm sure whoever it is is perfectly lovely, apart from the fact they slept with a married man, but—"

 _"No,"_ Seungcheol sounded choked up, _"No it's fine. I understand. I'd be mad too. I know how you feel about marriage, maybe you two can work through it?"_

"I really hope so, I love him so much and I just miss him. I know I should hate him, I know I should feel betrayed and I do? Like everything hurts, I can't sleep properly, my whole body is sore—but I love him and I miss him and I just want him to say sorry and tell me he loves me. I'm so pathetic—"

_"No no, no you're not. I understand. I'm sure Joshua loves you too, you two are such a strong couple, I'm sure you can get through this too."_

Jeonghan closed his eyes tightly, letting the scalding hot mug ground him to reality.

 _"Hey, are you okay?"_ Seungcheol's voice went soft and Jeonghan shook his head, he knew he couldn't see.

"Not really, sorry, I—" he choked up a little, "I didn't mean to cry on you."

_"It's okay, I can only imagine what you're going through."_

"Do you want to come up for dinner this week? I'm here for the next while. Come up, we'll do pizzas. The kids are commuting while I'm home, they'll be happy to see you."

_"Oh, no, Jeonghan I can't."_

"Why? Oh you're in Sacramento aren't you, I forgot. Next time."

_"Yeah, next time. Look, Jeonghan I've got to go, I have to ring someone about the campaign."_

"Okay, the kids are nearly home anyway. Right, thanks for taking my call Seungcheol. It means a lot."

_"Of course, and Jeonghan, again, I am sorry."_

"Thanks. Right, have a good evening."

_"You too, bye."_

Jeonghan put the phone back in its cradle and took a gulp of his—now cool enough to drink—water. Thursday evening and nothing to do. Dinner, he supposed, and he had promised that he would bring Soonyoung to his Bible study that night. 

Life went on.

He did eventually drop into the parsonage, taking comfort in Fr. Thomas’s quiet faith, his housekeeper’s bitter lemon biscuits and a cup of strong coffee. It was nice to have someone listen to him, sympathise with him, but at the same time, to know that he was sympathising with Joshua.

Of course, little could replace actually talking to his husband, actually listening to him, actually seeing him. And so, Jeonghan made a plan, kissed the kids goodbye and dropped them off at school, packed up his life and returned to town. They’d gotten married in the face of adversity, they had had children in the face of disgust, and what had kept them sane and strong throughout it all had been their love for each other and talking to one another. Why should that change now?


	2. That Would Be Enough

_Let this moment be the first chapter  
Where you decide to stay _

Jeonghan came back to Sacramento with a new hope. He’d booked himself an appointment with his husband in his office, he’d asked the new secretary to put him in as someone else, he didn’t want him to get out of this. He arrived at the office just on time, waved the secretary down when he stood to show him in, rapped on the door once and pushed it open, “Hi Shua.”

Joshua spun around in his chair, “Oh—” he checked his watch, “Jeonghan, I have a meeting—”

Jeonghan raised his eyebrows, hanging his coat up on the stand, and setting his briefcase down with the umbrellas. “Is that anyway to greet your husband? And I know, I had David book me in as someone else, I want to talk.”

Joshua rubbed at his eyes, his tie was half-way undone and there were three empty mugs on the table in front of him. He looked like he needed a massage, and maybe dinner. 

“You haven’t been returning my calls.”

Unbuttoning his blazer and sitting down, Jeonghan put his phone on the table, “No, I haven’t.”

“The kids won’t answer me either.”

“That’s not me, you know that.”

“I know, I know.” Joshua rubbed his eyes again and dropped his head into his hands. Jeonghan nodded, fiddling with his wedding ring.

“Joshua, you married me—” Joshua looked back up, “you stood in front of God and our families and promised to love me always, to care for me, cherish and protect me and never to stray.”

“I did promise that.”

“And yet?”

Joshua shook his head, “I never stopped loving you, Jeonghan, I swear. I adore you, you’re the sun and the moon to me, you mean everything—”

“Then why? Why did you have an affair with someone else?”

Silence. Broken only by the ticking of the clock, and as the minutes dragged on, Jeonghan lost hope. Maybe Seokmin was right. Maybe his sister was right. Maybe this wasn’t worth it. If he was willing to cheat on him and _announce it in public_ then he wasn’t worth his energy. “Are you even going to answer me?”

“Of course,” Joshua dragged a hand over his face and took a deep breath, “Jeonghan, I fell in love.”

“What?” Jeonghan’s voice was flat, he felt like someone had pulled his heart out of his chest, what? Joshua reached across the table for his hands. “Don’t you dare touch me.”

Joshua pulled his hands back, “Jeonghan, I’m in love with you but I’m in love with him too.”

Jeonghan shook his head, “Married remember? You don’t get to do that. You can’t do that. I can’t control what anyone feels, goodness knows people have tried. But these rings? They can control what you do. You love me?”

“Just as much as I’ve always done. That has never changed—”

“Okay. Then you end this right now and we can fix our relationship. If you love me, you’ll stop this. You know how I feel about marriage. You know how I feel about you. I’m not a wallflower, Joshua—”

“I know you’re not.” Joshua managed, faint.

Jeonghan shot him a look, “Don’t interrupt me. I’m not going to stand there and watch you sleep with someone else. I don’t care what you’re on about with loving the two of us but you just can’t have both of us. You can have me, your husband, the father of your children, your partner, the love of your life. Or you can have this other man.”

Joshua opened his mouth.

“And don’t get me wrong, I would hate every second of it and it would tear my soul apart but I would divorce you. There’s not a court in the land that would rule against me when I have that interview—Joshua what were you thinking? Live television? The kids saw it, Wonwoo can’t understand, Soonyoung thinks we’re getting divorced, he can’t stop crying, why did you do this?”

Joshua looked down, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have-”

“Not cheated on me!”

“Spoke to you first.”

“Before what? Before telling the American public that you couldn’t keep it in your pants? You’re married to me!”

“I—”

“I had to get an STD test, Joshua. I had to walk into a clinic and get a test because I don’t know where you’ve been.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Jeonghan blinked, “That’s not enough. You have to choose and you have to do it right now, because so help me Joshua, I will leave my rings right here,” Jeonghan jabbed his finger on the table, ”and walk out that door and the next time you see me—”

“Of course I’m going to choose you.”

“Why did you think you had a choice in the first place?” Jeonghan caught himself before he shouted and lowered his voice to a harsh whisper.

“Jeonghan, I can’t control my heart!”

“No. No you can’t, I don’t understand it but that’s okay,” Jeonghan smiled, “But you can control your eyes and your hands and your wallet. And you didn’t. And the fact that you thought I was going to be okay with that? That hurts me, Joshua. Who did you think I was? You should have known better. You’ve hurt me, you’re hurting me. And unless you cut this off, break it off, stop this nonsense, you’re going to continue to hurt me no matter what I do.”

“I’ve ended it.”

Jeonghan looked at him. He wasn’t sure how much he believed that.

“I swear.”

“Do you really?”

“I promise.” Joshua reached for his hands again and Jeonghan shook his head.

“Don’t.”

“Husband.”

Joshua kneeled down in front of him, and Jeonghan shook his head. He closed his eyes, he couldn’t do this.

“It’s over. I promise. It’s over.”

“How do you expect me to believe that?”

“I promise I won’t ever touch anybody else again. Never. I shouldn’t have, I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t trust you anymore.” Jeonghan whispered, opening his eyes to watch a tear roll down Joshua’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry, I’m really sorry, I promise I won’t do it again. It’s over. I promise it’s over.”

They stayed that way in silence for several moments, tears rolling down Joshua’s cheeks, tears rolling down Jeonghan’s own, tears he thought he’d long gotten rid of, but no. This was worse than any of his nightmares and he didn’t know how to fix it.

Eventually, Jeonghan reached out for Joshua’s hands and put his on top of them. Not quite holding them, but touching. Joshua’s tears came faster and Jeonghan held back his instinct to shush him, letting him cry, saying nothing, just watching.

Joshua eventually cried himself out and leaned his forehead onto Jeonghan’s hands for a second, before standing up and plucking a tissue from the box on his desk. He wiped his eyes. Circling back around to his chair and sinking into it, he looked all of a sudden, his full fifty years. 

He pressed the intercom, "David, can I get coffee in here, please. And biscuits if we have them. Thanks," he leaned back and looked at Jeonghan. "What do you want to do?"

"Counselling. Marriage counselling. And separate bedrooms for the foreseeable future. I want you to explain yourself to the kids. And I don't want any more of this in the press." Jeonghan crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair, back on track.

Joshua nodded, grabbing a legal pad and flicking it open to a clean page, "Okay. Religious or non religious counselling?"

"Both."

Joshua looked up, "Both?"

“As much as I want to forgive you and move on, I think there’s clearly something wrong with us if you had to look for love outside of our relationship. And we need to fix that. This is our marriage, Joshua, it needs to work for both of us.”

“Okay. Do you have anyone in mind or…?” Joshua trailed off, Jeonghan was their researcher, he was the one who always came to conversations with plans and Jeonghan nodded, getting his briefcase and rifling through it.

“I sent out some feelers. I figured we could send a few emails? We can write them now. And in our own church, Fr. Thomas offered couples counselling. Unless you'd—"

"No, Fr. Thomas is fine." Joshua looked up, David came in with a tray, setting it down carefully in a clear patch of desk.

"Mr. Yoon, I'm sorry about earlier—"

"It’s Hong.” Jeonghan cut across him sharply, how dare he? He was _married,_ and the boy blushed.

“I’m sorry—”

Jeonghan nodded.

"That'll be all, David, thanks."

The door closed gently behind him and Jeonghan raised an eyebrow at Joshua. "Tell me it wasn't him."

"It wasn't him."

"I really don't want to know who it was, but just fire them if it's someone in the office?”

“Jeonghan, you know that’s illegal—”

“You know what else is illegal?” Jeonghan raised an eyebrow and poured a cup of coffee, dropping two cubes of sugar into it and stirring it sharply.

“I am sorry—”

“Save it.”

Joshua doctored his own coffee, taking a sip and sinking into the chair, eyes fluttering closed. He sat up, “Okay. I’ll draft up an email. How long are you scheduled for?”

“Two hours.”

“Great,” Joshua opened up his laptop, “I’ve missed you terribly.”

They hardly ever spent time apart, Jeonghan swallowed around the lump in his throat, “And I you.” He could, at least, be honest.

They ate dinner together that night, in silence, and at opposite ends of the table. But together.

Jeonghan rang Wonwoo and then Soonyoung, each time handing the phone over to Joshua after a short conversation and leaving the room while Joshua attempted to convince each of them in turn that he was sorry and that he loved them and that everything was going to be alright.

Joshua stopped Jeonghan on his way to bed, “Jeonghan?”

Jeonghan turned, “Separate bedrooms, Joshua—”

“No, I know. I just, can I please have a hug? I just, can I?”

“Do you think you deserve that?”

Joshua flinched as if Jeonghan had hit him, taking several steps back and wrapped his arms around his stomach. “I’m sorry.”

Jeonghan nodded, that settled that. “Sleep well.” He turned and made himself walk into the bedroom and lock the door, leaning back against it and letting the tears finally drip down his cheeks. What a day. He missed him, of course he missed him, of course he wanted to hug him, to curl into him and go to sleep, but that wasn’t good for them right now. No matter how much he ached and how much every single fibre of his being was screaming for him to say ‘yes you can have a hug, I need a hug, I miss you, I love you’, he couldn’t. All the literature said to do this slowly, talk before you walk, and not to make decisions that you would regret, but—Jeonghan wrapped his arms around himself tightly and pressed his cheek to his shoulder, this felt an awful lot like regret.

  
  
  


  
  
  


_“Do you really forgive Dad?”_ Wonwoo asked the next day when he rang.

“Hello to you too, sweetie. How’s school?” Jeonghan saved the file he was working on and leaned back in the chair, swivelling around to gaze out the window. He loved their Sacramento apartment, the massive windows opening onto a park were one of the first things that they’d both fell in love with when they’d first seen it.

_“School is fine, I’m okay, I slept well, Soonyoung is okay. Do you really forgive Dad?”_

“You know how important marriage is, sweetie—”

_“I know, I know, it’s the most important contract you’ll ever sign.”_

“Exactly. When your Dad and I got married, we promised a lot of things, hm?”

_“But do you forgive him?”_

“We promised in sickness and in health,” Jeonghan continued, “in richer and in poorer, in good times and in bad. This is just one of those bad times.”

_"But didn’t your vows have the promise to be true?”_

Jeonghan closed his eyes, “They did, sweetie, they did.”

_"And Dad said he, he said he’d had an affair.”_ Somehow, even after their conversations at home, and the news broadcasts and the articles, hearing Joshua admit it had sent Wonwoo back into experiencing it for the first time. Jeonghan didn’t really know how to fix that.

“Yeah.”

_"So he wasn’t true and he broke the promises and doesn’t that mean he broke the contract?”_

“It does. He did, and he shouldn’t have.”

_"Appa, I don’t understand.”_

Jeonghan didn’t either. “Aren’t forgiveness and love the two most important things?”

_“They are, Appa, but I don’t—”_

“And your Dad and I love each other very much, Wonwoo, no matter what he did or does, that will always be true. However, that doesn’t mean he can do whatever he wants, there are always consequences for your actions.”

_“Are you getting divorced?”_ And oh, he sounded so scared, his voice was shaking and Jeonghan wanted to hug him.

“No, sweetie, no we’re not. No, don’t worry about that, we’re not getting divorced. And we both love you so much okay?”

The tiniest hiccoughing sob came across the line and Jeonghan cooed gently.

“Wonwoo, we love you so much, hm?” he stood up and opened the office door, was Joshua still in? 

_“Appa, I’m scared, I don’t want to have to choose—”_

Jeonghan tapped on Joshua’s office door and opened it quietly, “You’re not going to have to choose, sweetie, I promise. We wouldn’t do that to you.”

Joshua looked up, “Wonwoo?”

Jeonghan nodded.

_“But, but if you’re mad at Dad, then shouldn’t I be?”_

“No, sweetie, not at all. That’s between me and your Dad, okay? Your Dad loves you so much and that will never ever change, I promise.”

Joshua bit his lip and reached for Jeonghan. Jeonghan stepped away. He didn’t get to touch him. Not so soon after that.

“Do you want to talk to him?”

_“Appa, I don’t want to upset you?”_

“Remember what I told you last week? Why would this upset me?”

_“I don’t know, Appa~”_

“Sweetie, I’m putting you on speaker, your Dad is beside me okay?” Jeonghan set the phone gently down on Joshua’s desk and leaned against the back of his chair.

“Hey Wonwoo.”

_“Dad, Dad, Dad, Appa says you’re not getting divorced?”_

“No, no we’re not.” Joshua looked up at Jeonghan.

_“But Dad, I don’t understand.”_

“I didn’t treat your appa the way I promised him I would, but I’ve apologised and it won’t happen again. I love your appa so much, you know that. And he loves me too. Doesn’t your appa always say love is so strong?”

_“So, you’re not getting divorced.”_

“No, Wonwoo-love, no we’re not.”

_“And I don’t have to pick between you?”_

“Of course not. Of course not. We both love you so much and this isn’t going to change anything for you, okay?”

Wonwoo’s voice was relieved and quiet when he eventually answered, _"_ _Yeah, okay.”_

“Okay love, do you want to talk to your Appa again?”

_“Yeah. Thanks Dad.”_

“Love you.”

_“You too.”_

Jeonghan took the phone back up, “Thanks Joshua.”

Joshua nodded, reached out for his hand again and Jeonghan shook his head, stepping back and out of the office, closing the door behind him.

“Feeling better?”

_“Yeah. Thanks Appa.”_

“Anytime. Now, tell me about your debate. How did it go?” Jeonghan poured a glass of water and brought it into his office, settling in to hear his news.

  
  


They talked. Of course they talked. Mostly about the children, or campaign updates, or responses from therapy candidates, and about a game plan, and about dinner.

Not about the affair.

They arrived at their first counselling session together, Jeonghan stepping into the office first and smiling politely at the therapist.

“Thank you for meeting with us.”

“A pleasure. Mr Hong, Mr. Hong, please, take a seat.” The therapist gestured at the armchair and couch opposite him and Jeonghan draped his coat over the back of the armchair, sitting down and crossing his legs.

Joshua sat down heavily into the couch, on the side closest to Jeonghan.

“Dr. Crispen, it’s nice to meet you in person.”

“Please call me Charles. May I use your first names?”

“Of course, I’m Jeonghan, Mr and Mr Hong can get a little confusing at times.”

Joshua nodded when Charles looked at him, “Joshua, please.”

“Perfect. Right, now I don’t stand on ceremony, so let’s not spend ten minutes talking about the weather!” Charles laughed and flicked open a notepad, “What brings you here?”

Jeonghan looked at Joshua, hands flexing in his lap before he tangled them together. He wasn’t going to start.

“I had an affair.”

Charles nodded, “Right. And you’re here because?”

“We want to work through this,” Jeonghan swallowed, “Marriage is a sacrament and a contract and a promise.”

“I love my husband, I just happen to also,” Joshua paused, “love someone else.”

Jeonghan flinched slightly and blinked several times.

“Okay. Thank you both for your honesty. What I do is let you both ask questions you might find hard to ask. To help you with finding the right words and to advise and caution. I’m not going to tell you what to do or think, and I’m not going to judge either of you for anything you say. This is a safe space. Nothing said here will leave this room, I’m here to help you both, not to hurt you.”

They nodded and Charles smiled. “Right, you’re here for two hours so I’m going to call for tea, coffee, water? And then we’ll get started.”

“I don’t want to know who it was.” Jeonghan started after he’d taken several fortifying sips of tea.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t think it would be healthy for me, or that it would be fair on the other person, because in essence this is my husband’s affair. And while I accept, of course I accept, that it’s an inherent failing in our marriage that caused it, my husband still had to do it.”

Joshua leaned towards him, “It’s not a failing in our marriage, Jeonghan—”

“Joshua, let Jeonghan speak.”

“I love him, I don’t understand why he had to find love elsewhere.”

“Joshua?”

“I can’t control who I love. But I shouldn’t have acted on it and for that I’m so sorry, Jeonghan, I’ve told you how sorry I am.”

Jeonghan arched his eyebrows and turned to his husband, “Joshua, if you honestly think that’s going to cut it, you’re delusional. You violated the sanctity of our marriage vows, you broke my trust, you brought somebody else into our marriage and I’m resisting the temptation to ask how and what because I am not masochistic but just tell me it wasn’t our bed. Tell me it wasn’t our house, tell me you at least went to a hotel Joshua, just—” Jeonghan looked towards the ceiling for several seconds, he wasn’t going to cry in front of this person.

“What do you want to know, I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

“How long?” Jeonghan looked straight at Joshua, even though it hurt, and he knew Joshua could see the tears welling up in his eyes, he hoped he could see the pain he’d caused him.

“Four months.”

“Four! That’s, that’s, May, that’s, Joshua our anniversary is in May?” Jeonghan’s heart hurt, how could he—if it had been at least a month where Jeonghan had been busy or away or sick or something he could maybe find the ability to understand but to be May? When—oh, when their anniversary had ended in Jeonghan screaming and Joshua crying and the two of them sleeping in the spare rooms because they refused to take culpability. 

“I know.”

“Was it because, because, was it what I said?” Had he done this?

“Oh, no, no, Jeonghan it wasn’t—”

“Because you know I didn’t mean that, I only meant, I only wanted you to, I didn’t mean, I didn’t—” Jeonghan pressed a hand to his mouth and stared at a point on the floor, trying to force down the panic, the suddenly all consuming panic, “—I only meant that we , I didn’t mean you should—”

“Okay, let’s take a moment, Jeonghan, you’re okay, can you take some breaths for me, Joshua stay where you are. Just like that, Jeonghan, that’s it. Okay, can you tell me what you said?”

“Joshua was late, he’d met up with a friend of ours for dinner, he’d been out of state or something, but we’d had anniversary plans and—” Jeonghan took several breaths, “I was upset.”

“Can you tell me what you said?”

Jeonghan shook his head, tears pressing behind his eyes.

“You can. Take a breath, and tell us.” Charles insisted gently and Jeonghan took a shaky breath.

“I said, I said that if he didn’t care that much for our 26th maybe we shouldn’t have a 27th.” The words came out quietly, hardly spoken at all and each word hurt more than the last. He hadn’t meant it, it had just been anger, irritation at why Seungcheol was more important than him. Why Joshua’s friend came before his husband. Had always come before him.

Joshua was suddenly in front of him, hands hovering over his, “Jeonghan, it’s not your fault. I know you didn’t mean what you said, neither did I, remember? We apologised, I forgave you, you forgave me too. You have been nothing but perfect—”

“Don’t patronise me, I’m not perfect.”

“Nobody is, but I’ve never wanted you any other way.”

“Then why?” Jeonghan leaned back, away from Joshua, and grabbed tissues out of the box. He dabbed at his eyes, “If it’s not our disaster of a wedding anniversary, but this has been going on since then, then what did I do? Is it sex, do we not have enough?”

Charles was looking between them assessingly and Jeonghan burned in shame.

“No, that’s not it, I told you Jeonghan, I’m sorry but I’m in love with someone else as well.” Joshua sighed, sitting back down and Jeonghan shook his head.

“Joshua, you’re not making sense.” 

“You don’t understand—”

“You’re right. I don’t.”

“Do you want to?”

Jeonghan looked at him askance, did he want to? He wanted to understand what was so lacking in their relationship that Joshua had to go elsewhere. He didn’t want to understand anything further.

“Will it change the fact that you’ve done this?”

“Of course it won’t.”

“Then no.”

“Okay. Okay. Do you want to know anything else?” Joshua rubbed his neck and Jeonghan sipped his coffee. He’d made a list, had mulled over what he needed to know, what he didn’t want to know, what he was morbidly curious about, but he just wanted to lock Joshua up and keep him to himself.

Jeonghan closed his eyes, “Where?”

“His house, or a hotel.”

“Did you, did you use—” Jeonghan bit his lip.

“Protection? Yeah.”

Jeonghan swallowed a few times, blinked rapidly, braced himself, “How many times? How many times did you have sex with him, Joshua?”

Joshua was silent for a few moments and Jeonghan tried to make himself breathe, why was it taking him so long to count? A tear rolled down Jeonghan’s cheek and he squeezed his eyes shut, holding his breath.

“…more than twenty times but less than thirty.”

Several sobs burst out of Jeonghan and he curled in on himself, “But, but when?” Jeonghan gasped for breath.

“Jeonghan, I think we should take a break—” Charles started. 

“Joshua, you always sleep beside me, I don’t—” Jeonghan burst into proper tears, shoulders shaking, wiping ineffectively at his tears—thirty times?

“We’re going to take a break,” Charles said firmly, “Jeonghan you don’t need to force yourself through this.”

Jeonghan managed to look at Joshua for a second, the tiny distance between them feeling like an ocean. How could he trust him when he’d managed to hide four months of a sexual affair from him? Nothing had changed, they’d still had sex, they’d still talked, gone on dates, albeit less than normal, but that was because of the campaign; how hadn’t he noticed?

“Jeonghan, darling, can I touch you, please?” Joshua pleaded, and Jeonghan shook his head. “Can you take a breath? You need to breathe.”

At least he still cared whether he passed out or not.

Jeonghan dug his nails into his wrists and held his breath, forcing the air out slowly and taking a slow breath in. He could do this. 

He could.

He could do this.

His breathing slowly evened out.

Thirty times. That was a lot of sex. 

“Do you have any more questions, Jeonghan?” Charles asked after Jeonghan had wiped his tears and blown his nose. Jeonghan nodded, swallowing his mouthful of water.

“Was it just sex, or did you have dates?”

“We met a couple of times a week, mostly for food, or walks. Sometimes for sex. Mainly during the day.”

Jeonghan nodded, the knife in his heart twisting slightly, when he hadn’t had time for Jeonghan he’d had time for this man. “Did he know you were married?”

“Yes.”

“You said you were in love, were you going to tell me?” His voice was robotic, wooden.

“Eventually.”

“Why did you tell the world?”

“A reporter had photos, Jeonghan, I thought it would be less invasive—”

“It would have been less invasive if it wasn’t an issue. I never once suspected that you were doing anything you shouldn’t have been. Did you even think of me? Or how I would feel? Of how hurt I would be? Joshua, you married me?”

“Of course I thought about you! I suppose I managed to convince myself that you’d be okay with it, that you’d accept it.”

Jeonghan scoffed, “I don’t understand. Am I not enough?”

“That’s not it.”

Charles coughed, “If I may interject, the issue here is not that you love two people, Joshua, it’s that you broke the trust of one to act on that love for another. Why didn’t you talk about it with Jeonghan beforehand, why didn’t you admit that you had feelings for someone else?”

Joshua looked at his palms, “I, I—?”

“Take your time.” Charles soothed.

“I don’t know. I should have talked to you, I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted to be happier.” Joshua looked lost.

Jeonghan reached over the chair, taking Joshua’s hand even though his brain was screaming at him not to—they had to do this together. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy anymore.”

Joshua looked at him, surprise written all over his face, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m—” Joshua clutched Jeonghan’s hand tightly, murmuring the words over and over and over and Jeonghan felt like he could perhaps feel an ounce of his pain. They had to do this together.

“The next two sessions will be individual, I encourage you both to talk to each other in the meanwhile. Ask the hard questions, say the awful thoughts, be honest. Be honest with yourselves and be honest with each other.

  
  
  


Jeonghan was elbow deep in figures and reports. He wasn’t going to get to bed until 1 am, it was hardly even 5 pm and he was already exhausted. He lowered the brightness on his screen and leaned back in his chair, massaging the bridge of his nose. 

The door to his office opened tentatively, Joshua.

“Jeonghan?”

“Joshua, I’m really busy.”

“I know, I know. I just, you didn’t eat lunch and it’s late—”

“I don’t have time.”

Joshua nodded, raised a banana and a cup of coffee up in his hands, “I know, just, try and eat this? Please?”

Jeonghan watched as he put them down on his desk and reached out as if to touch his shoulder but Jeonghan recoiled away. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Joshua smiled sadly and closed the door after him.

  
  


  
  


Jeonghan was in the kitchen, sipping slowly from a glass of water, 70% numb and exhausted. He’d just had his solo session with Dr. Crispen—sixty minutes of soul searching and list writing and trying to articulate how betrayed he felt, how wrong everything felt, how nothing made sense anymore. His rings were starting to feel like shackles, chains, when they used to be the most reassuring things he owned. Most of his jewellery had been a gift from Joshua and it felt sacrilegious to wear it now. He didn’t. Just left his rings on and wore absolutely nothing else, even though he wanted to take them off, wanted to throw them at Joshua and burst into tears. But he couldn’t. Couldn’t bring himself to. At times it felt like they were the only things holding him together.

“Jeonghan?” Joshua stepped into the kitchen, leaning down to fix the laces on his runners. “I have forty minutes before my next meeting, I was going to go for a walk in the park. Would you like to come with me?”

It was a normal request. They went for walks most days, or had done, before. Joshua had been asking every day. Jeonghan hadn’t felt able to say yes. He wanted to work through this. He wanted to look at his rings without the shame he was feeling 24/7. He wanted his life back.

“Let me get my shoes.”

Joshua looked up in surprise. “Really?”

“Unless—”

“No, no, please come with me.”

They didn’t speak, apart from murmured words of ‘look at that bird’ or ‘that’s so pretty’. They didn’t touch. They didn’t really interact at all. Jeonghan could feel the nervous energy rolling off Joshua in waves, but he couldn’t bring himself to reassure him. Too busy trying to reassure himself.

  
  


  
  


Joshua had been on the phone for four hours. He’d come out twice to get water, and each time he’d had his hand scrunched on his shoulders. He looked in pain, and Jeonghan just couldn’t sit there and leave him like that. He’d never have before, why did everything have to change?

He slid the bookmark into his novel and placed it on the table with his glasses. He took a breath, wiped his hands on his trousers and walked to Joshua’s office, knocking once and closing the door behind him. 

Joshua looked at him, eyebrows up, midway through a sentence about childcare subsidies, and Jeonghan turned his chair to the table and put his hands on his shoulders gently. He breathed through it.

Building up the courage.

He waited until Joshua finished his thought to knead the muscles on either side of his neck, starting gently but getting firmer as he felt the knots. When was the last time he’d gotten a massage, he must be in agony? Jeonghan had told his aide to book him a weekly one, had he not been going?

Jeonghan tilted Joshua’s head forward carefully and cupped his hand around his forehead, massaging tiny circles into the base of his skull while Joshua suppressed tiny little breathy noises, phone held away from his mouth. Jeonghan squeezed the back of his neck and brought his head back up.

He was halfway through pressing out the knots on either side of Joshua’s shoulders when Joshua reached back and put a hand over one of Jeonghan’s.

“No, I completely understand. I was talking to Laurence earlier and he said that the budget can support this…no, it wouldn’t be taking from that subsidy, no it comes from the overall allowance for—exactly. Yes. What do you think about that?”

Joshua lifted his hand away and Jeonghan resumed, crawling his thumbs towards Joshua’s neck firmly, over and over until the knots had mostly eased.

He shook his hands out and then placed both palms between his shoulder blades, kneading his upper back and shoulders, inside out and then outside in and then inside out and then outside in and then laying his palms on Joshua’s neck. Out of complete habit.

Joshua was putty in his hands and Jeonghan was halfway to pressing a kiss into his hair before he caught himself, freezing. He’d forgotten. Momentarily. Forgotten.

Joshua took one of his hands gently, tugging it down off his shoulder and pressing a kiss to the back of it, thumb stroking over the skin, looking up at him.

Jeonghan slipped his hands free and fled the room, closing the door behind him. He couldn’t believe he’d done that. He brushed his hair off his face and was hit with the smell of his husband. He missed him. 

  
  


  
  


They went to church every week together, and by the third week, they were sitting side by side, listening while the priest spoke about honesty and truth. Joshua gripped his rosary beads tightly the entire time, so tightly that Jeonghan put his hand on top of his, waiting for him to relax his grip.

Jeonghan’s hand automatically went for Joshua’s as they walked back to their pew after communion. It was only when they sat down, and he knelt to pray, that he remembered, pulling away. Everything was so automatic. He bowed his head over his clasped hands and asked for strength.

Normally they went for cake and coffee afterwards, and they sat in the car in silence for several minutes before Jeonghan turned on the ignition. “I was thinking we could go to Tilly’s? For cake?”

Joshua turned to look at him, “Are you sure?”

Jeonghan nodded, “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

“I feel guilty when I touch you, like I shouldn’t want to.”

Joshua didn’t say anything.

“I can’t sleep properly, my rings feel wrong and I miss you.” Jeonghan said quietly, tears blurring his vision and Joshua reached over to turn off the ignition.

“Can I hold your hands?” he asked gently, his voice a caress and Jeonghan nodded. Joshua held them tightly, thumbs smoothing over the skin. They’d always been tactile, maybe that was why not touching him hurt so much. 

“I’m here, Jeonghan. I’m all yours. And whatever you’re feeling is valid, even if you hate me. I want to make you happy.”

The tears spilled over and Joshua just held his hands tighter, murmuring reassurances, just letting him cry.

Jeonghan was tired. Tired of being hurt.

Joshua pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped Jeonghan’s tears away, featherlight. “Feel better?”

“I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you. I’m hurt and I don’t understand, and I miss you, but I don’t hate you.”

“I know you don’t, I know. I miss you too, but I’m here.”

Jeonghan nodded twice and Joshua squeezed his hands.

“Why don’t we get cake and go home?” 

Jeonghan turned on the ignition.

Jeonghan’s heart was in his throat as he put his dish away and turned around, Joshua was sitting on the couch and he knew he shouldn’t want to, he knew he shouldn’t need to, but the urge to curl up beside him was so strong.

Well. Dr. Crispen said that everyone’s reactions were unique. And that didn’t make them wrong. He missed his husband. What could be wrong about that?

Jeonghan walked over to the couch—Joshua watching him carefully—and sat down beside him, leaning slowly into his side. His cheek touched Joshua’s shoulder and Jeonghan let his eyes close, relaxing each one of his muscles until he convinced them that he was safe and comfortable and they didn’t need to be on fight or flight.

Joshua was as still as a statue.

“You can touch me.”

Joshua slowly wrapped an arm around his side and little by little, relaxed.

They sat there, in total silence apart from the ticking of the clock and the beat of their hearts, until well after dark.


	3. Bad Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **vague reference to vomiting, it's not described but if you're sensitive skip from [whoever he’d been sleeping with, didn’t it?] to [He walked back into the kitchen].

_I like it when you take control  
Even if you know that you don't_

After that, they touched more. They were both more honest about their feelings, about their worries, about their thoughts. And their routine slowly started to return to normal.

“Seungcheol! It’s almost like you’re avoiding me! Come over for dinner tonight?”

“ _Hello to you too. I’m really busy, Jeonghan—”_

“Nonsense! It’ll be an hour, two tops, and we haven’t seen you in so long.”

_“We?”_ Seungcheol’s voice was strained and Jeonghan paused, turning away from his desk.

“Yeah, we would both love to see you. You’re our friend, and we’re trying to keep to regular routines. And we’re going home tomorrow anyway, it’s mid-term break for the kids. Well. I say we. Joshua has to come back up for campaign stuff on Wednesday, but—I’m rambling. Come over for dinner.”

_“I don’t think—”_

“Cheol, come on. If I can do it, you can do it. We’ll see you at seven. Joshua is doing something with chicken.

Jeonghan came into the kitchen just as Joshua put the chicken into the oven. “There you are, I’ve been trying to get hold of you all day. I invited Seungcheol over for dinner.”

“What?” Joshua turned to him, wide eyed and Jeonghan squinted.

“Yeah? Since he’s finished with that project for the campaign, I figured you two hadn’t seen each other in a while, and we normally see him once a fortnight. Dr. Crispen said to stick to routines, and he’s both of our friends—”

“I haven’t spoken to him since the interview.” Joshua wouldn’t meet his eyes.

Jeonghan stepped closer, reaching out to touch his fingertips to Joshua’s wrist.

“Really?”

“Yeah, he hasn’t answered any of my texts.”

"Oh,” Jeonghan frowned, “Oh well hopefully he—well, we'll see. I'm sorry, I should have asked, I thought it would be nice." If he could start to work towards forgiveness then he didn’t see why their friends couldn’t.

Dinner was weird. 

For one nobody was talking and for another nobody was talking.

Jeonghan ate slowly, looking between the other two and trying to figure out what was going on. They hadn’t greeted each other with their normal hug, Seungcheol wouldn’t meet either of their eyes and Joshua was trying to melt into the chair.

_He was either with me, at work, or with you._

Jeonghan lowered his forkful to the plate. He had to be wrong. 

_He told me before he did the interview._ Why would he have told Seungcheol? That he’d tell him things before he told Jeonghan wasn’t necessarily new, but this only affected Jeonghan and whoever he’d been sleeping with, didn’t it? 

Jeonghan took a sip of water, swallowing it to try and still the sudden rolling of his stomach. And neither of them had wanted this dinner, they’d both sounded off when he’d said it—he was going to get sick.

“Tell me I’m wrong?” Jeonghan wasn’t surprised when his voice cracked. They both looked down at their plates and Jeonghan put his cutlery down beside his plate. “I think I’m going to be sick, excuse me, and don’t either of you dare leave.” He pushed his chair back and walked rapidly to the bathroom, locking it behind him and bending over the bowl, eyes closed. How had he been so blind? So stupid? So naïve?

Was it really naïvety to think that your husband wouldn’t cheat on you with his best friend of 35 years? They were friends, how dare he?

He leaned his forehead against the porcelain, breathing carefully. The world had already ended, and he’d survived. Surely he could survive this too.

Numb. Why was he so numb all the time?

Jeonghan washed his face, rinsed his mouth and washed his hands and stared into the mirror. He wasn’t even angry, just disappointed and numb.

He walked back into the kitchen and sat back down. “Did you mean to hurt me and break our marriage? I thought we were friends.”

Seungcheol blinked at him, tears already rolling down his cheeks, “We are friends.”

“Friends don’t sleep with their friends’ husbands.”

Seungcheol dropped his head into his hands, “I thought you knew, I never wanted to hurt you—”

“You thought I knew?! Why would I ever be okay with that, Seungcheol?! What did you think you were doing? Why didn’t you ask me?”

Seungcheol shook his head, and Jeonghan watched him, as if he was watching from elsewhere, as he just fell apart at his dinner table. He couldn’t bring himself to comfort him. Couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

Joshua made an aborted movement to touch his shoulder but jerked his hand away last minute when Seungcheol shrieked, “Don’t you dare touch me! I thought he knew, why didn’t he know, Shua?!”

“I just wanted something that was mine.” Joshua whispered and Jeonghan flinched.

“What the hell, Joshua?!”

Seungcheol pulled his hands away from his face, cheeks wet, “I’m not a thing, I’m not a weapon, why didn’t you tell him?” 

“Why didn’t you?”

“He’s your husband!” Seungcheol stood, shaking—with anger or pain Jeonghan wasn’t sure.

“I’m so sorry Jeonghan, I never meant to hurt you, I didn’t, this wasn’t meant to hurt you, I didn’t, this wasn’t, I’m so sorry, I am so unbelievably sorry. I’m going to go, I’m sorry, both of you, I’m sorry—” he backed out of the kitchen, grabbing his phone and wallet and the door clicked closed after him.

Jeonghan took several breaths before turning to look at Joshua.

“How dare you. How dare you? That’s our friend, he’s been your friend for thirty years, he was your best man, he’s Wonwoo’s godfather, he worked on the campaign, for free, because he’s your friend. Look me in the eye and tell me this hasn’t been going on for more than four months. Look me in the eye and tell me that you haven’t been sleeping with him for the entire length of our relationship, because right now, Joshua, right now, I don’t know what to think, how to think, how to even react.”

“I swear on my grandmother’s grave that it was only four months. I swear.”

“I am really trying, I’m really trying to get over the fact that you cheated on me, to move on, to forgive you but it’s one step forward three steps back, Joshua, give me something real here.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“I’m never going to do it again.”

Jeonghan sighed, “I know.” Surprisingly, he trusted that statement. The anger seeped out of him, leaving behind a chilly uncomfortable emptiness. 

Jeonghan couldn’t stand to be in the room anymore. He held Joshua’s gaze for several moments before shaking his head and closing the door behind him. 

He should probably make sure Seungcheol got home safely. 

He wished he could say that he was surprised. He was hurt and shocked, sure. But there had always been three people in their marriage. Any argument Jeonghan and Joshua ever had, Seungcheol knew about. Any decision they’d ever made, Seungcheol had weighed in on, even if Jeonghan didn’t know about it at the time. Jeonghan wouldn’t be surprised if Seungcheol knew what he liked in bed and where his _freckles_ were. It was something Jeonghan had just come to accept. Joshua may have married him, may have been in love with him, but Seungcheol was his best friend.

And mostly, that was okay. 

Jeonghan had other friends too. He had … Seokmin, his work colleagues, and his sister—but his husband was his best friend.

But now? Now that Joshua was apparently in love with _his_ best friend, apparently in love with Seungcheol, in love with someone who wasn’t Jeonghan, it felt like he was holding onto sand.

Seungcheol was sitting on the step outside of their building and Jeonghan sighed, putting the door on latch and bracing himself against the cold night air.

“Seungcheol?”

Seungcheol turned, his face a mess of tears and snot and just looking pathetic.

“Did you call a taxi?” Jeonghan wrapped his arms around himself, cursing the fact that he left his coat inside.

Seungcheol blinked blankly at him.

“I’m not a monster, Seungcheol. Did you call a taxi or do you want me to call one?”

“Seriously? Jeez,” he patted his pockets, “I’ll call one, I'll get out of your hair.”

“Look, I’m not a saint right? Just, give us some space. Months of space really. I’m not going to tell the kids, I don’t think they need to know or should know, so please—Wonwoo loves you. Just, stay away from my husband.”

Seungcheol nodded, "You're a bitch."

"I'm sorry?"

"You know what I'm talking about, don't even."

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, “Call a goddamned taxi, Seungcheol.” 

"Seriously?"

“I'm not a monster," Jeonghan turned to go back into the building but something made him pause. "Seungcheol? Do you love him?” Jeonghan didn’t know why he asked.

Seungcheol nodded slowly and Jeonghan felt as if he’d been punched.

“Okay. Get home safely.”

Seungcheol nodded again and Jeonghan spared him a look before hurrying back inside. He was going to cry.

  
  


Charles nodded, “Okay, Jeonghan. Let’s see what Joshua has to say. Joshua?”

“I didn’t mean to imply that Seungcheol was a thing. I just, our relationship is so structured, it was fun to be spontaneous.”

“But—”

“Jeonghan, wait your turn, please.”

Jeonghan nodded, pursing his lips together. He was a planner, Joshua had never objected before?

“We have guests for dinner most Thursdays, sometimes I don’t even know who before they arrive, Jeonghan just organises things and forgets to tell me. We watch movies on Saturdays and TV dramas on Mondays. Gym on Wednesdays, sex on Tuesdays, Church on Sundays, massages on Fridays. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just boring. The same thing every week. There’s no room for change, no room for a surprise, no room for anything but the plan, and with Seungcheol? We met for lunches or dinners at different times, different days, sure because it was an affair, but also because it was generally last minute. We had sex at different times, in different ways, not the usual I top one week, you top the next; just did what we wanted. And he was happy to do what I wanted, to try new things, to just do nothing and talk. Just because he was happy to be with me. I haven’t felt like you’ve been happy to be with me in years.”

Jeonghan didn’t know when he’d started crying but tears were streaming down his cheeks when Charles nodded at him. “You’ve never said you didn’t like routine, I, I’m not married to the routine, Joshua, I’m married to you and of course I want to make you happy, you mean everything to me, you’re my best friend, before all this you hung the moon—” He wiped at his eyes ineffectively, “And I do tell you, I text or I put it on the noticeboard, or I say it, I try anyway, I don’t mean to spring things—if you don’t want to do that anymore, we don’t have to? And,” Jeonghan dabbed at his eyes with his sleeve, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying. I love you. I love you so much it hurts, I can’t imagine a life without you and I hate this, I hate this so much.”

Joshua didn’t say anything and Jeonghan tried to stop crying, he, it wasn’t on purpose, he’d always been emotional, he just, he was really upset? What was he supposed to do?

“How am I supposed to trust that you won’t do it again? How am I supposed to trust that you hadn’t done it before? How do I know that you even want to stay married to me, Joshua? He’s always been your best friend, he’s always been the person you go to, the one you tell everything to, but you’ve always been that for me and how am I supposed to trust you anymore?”

“I don’t know, Jeonghan, I swear I never did it before, it was only supposed to be a once off—” Joshua cut himself off and Jeonghan waited.

“Joshua?” Charles prompted after several minutes passed.

“I didn’t lie before. I just, you’d gone to visit the kids, Soonyoung was sick? You’d taken time off work to go and take care of him—”

Jeonghan remembered, school had nearly been over and he’d come down with the chickenpox. Jeonghan had flown straight from work, rang Joshua on his way to the aeroplane and explained. It had been a hectic week. 

“—we’d gotten polling figures and I was doing really well, and Seungcheol had broken up with his ex, we had a few beers, he was upset, kept talking himself down, saying he wasn’t good enough, and stuff, real upset, and then he said that even I hadn’t wanted him, that he wasn’t good enough for me, and I mean, that wasn’t true. I wasn’t going to let him think like that?”

Jeonghan stared at him. He just, what?

“Soonyoung had the chickenpox.” Was not what he wanted to say, but his brain wasn’t quite working.

“I know, I know, and I drove down a few days later, and I didn’t ever mean to do it again, it wasn’t a plan, I meant to tell you—”

“You were all over me that week.” Jeonghan had thought it was weird, given that Soonyoung was ill and Jeonghan had been exhausted and well, they didn’t have that much sex, it wasn’t, he hadn’t expected it. 

Joshua closed his eyes, “It wasn’t supposed to happen again.”

“Well, you don’t just fall on a dick, Joshua.”

“So you’re not in love with him, that was just a ploy?”

“I love him?”

“I know you love him, Joshua, he’s Wonwoo’s godfather, I’d hope you love him. Just, stop. I need to think.” Jeonghan closed his eyes and tried to make his thoughts do anything apart from ‘Seongja knows a lawyer’, but it was hard. 

“Okay, look. Maybe I’m insane, but I think there’s a chance we can work through this, but you need to be brutally honest with me now, Joshua, because I can’t take anything else. I can’t take anymore of this. This has to be everything. I don’t even know what else there could be, but I didn’t exactly see Seungcheol coming, did I? I need transparency, honesty, I need you to tell me absolutely everything.”

Joshua did. He told him every single detail of the affair. Where they’d eaten, where they’d walked, where they’d fucked, what they’d done, how he’d felt, how he’d hidden it, how he’d chosen nights that he knew Jeonghan would be busy or asleep to stay out later and how he’d changed clothes and showered every time, how sometimes Jeonghan had even known where he was and who he was with but had never suspected.

And Jeonghan sat there, forcing himself to look at him and listen, squashing down the voice in the back of his head that was calling him ridiculous, turned off the part of himself that wanted to scream and cry and shake him, and listened. Nodded. Waited.

When Joshua finally finished, picking up the glass of water and draining it, Charles nodded and said, “Thank you for doing that Joshua, I know it was hard. And this is going to be harder. But you need to earn your husband’s trust back, and Jeonghan, you need to be able to trust your husband. You can’t use this affair as a weapon, you can’t use Seungcheol as a weapon. You need to both be totally transparent and honest with each other, all the time. Joshua, you need to let Jeonghan see your phone whenever he feels like he needs to. You need to answer his questions when he’s worried, or unsure, or feeling uncertain. And it will feel intrusive, feel invasive, but if you both want to stay together, you need to be able to trust each other. And Jeonghan, you have to tell Joshua what you’re feeling. If you’re happy, sad, hurt, angry, upset, in love, if you miss him or want him. You need to be clear. And maybe try this week without a schedule. Talk to each other more. Listen more. Touch more.”

  
  


If it had happened any other week, they’d have at least been able to stay away from each other and take time to rebuild some sort of protective sphere around their hearts. But it was mid-term. And the kids were home. And so they were back to sharing a bedroom, putting on at least a little bit of a show for them. 

But as to how well they were fooling them, Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure. 

“Appa?” Wonwoo leaned against his side sleepily two mornings after they arrived.

“Good morning, sleep well?” Jeonghan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and poured water into the teapot.

“Nightmare. Where’s Dad?”

Jeonghan squeezed him tight, “Still asleep. Do you want tea? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes to tea, no to talking, it’s mainly left over fear anyway. But, Appa, why are you so cold?”

Jeonghan pulled back to look at Wonwoo, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead.

“Are you feeling okay? I’m not cold, are you?”

Wonwoo pulled away, picking up the teapot and bringing it over to the table.

“No, no. Not temperature. Just, you hardly look at Dad anymore, and you said you’re not getting a divorce, but it feels like you’re going to.”

Jeonghan didn’t quite know what to say. He set the mugs down on the table and looked at Wonwoo. 

“We’re not getting divorced. Go tell your Dad and your brother that breakfast is ready.”

When Joshua put his hands on Jeonghan’s shoulders and squeezed, pressing lips to his hair with a ‘thanks for breakfast’, it felt like an act. 

When Jeonghan teased Joshua gently after Soonyoung knocked him onto the couch in his haste to watch a film, it felt stilted.

But when Joshua took his pillows and went to go sleep on their couch that night for the third time in a row and Jeonghan stopped him with a ‘just stay,’ it felt real. Uncomfortable and weird, and therefore real.

“Are you sure?” Joshua turned and Jeonghan swallowed.

“Yeah. Just, stay on your side, this is hurting the two of us too much already, there’s no point in making things more difficult for each other.” Jeonghan lay down on his side and tugged the duvet up over his shoulder, closing his eyes and waiting.

Joshua lay down slowly, the bed sinking, and Jeonghan tried to relax.

“I am sorry.”

Jeonghan sighed, “I know you are, it doesn’t change much, though.”

“I should have talked to you.”

“Yeah.”

“The kids are worried.”

“They’re scared.”

“I’m scared.”

Jeonghan blinked, what? 

“Why?” He didn’t mean for the word to come out as gentle as it did, but it did, and Joshua exhaled shakily.

“I just want things to go back to the way they were.”

“But they’re the reason you looked elsewhere, they can’t go back to that way.”

Joshua rolled over and Jeonghan kept his eyes closed. 

“I miss you. You’re right there but it’s like you’re in Antarctica. I just,” Joshua’s voice fogged up, “I just want you to tell me it’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t do that. You know I can’t do that.”

Joshua fell silent and then, “Can you look at me, please?”

Jeonghan rolled over, “I look at you all the time.”

“It’s like you’re a waxwork, I can’t tell what you’re feeling, I don’t know how to fix this.”

Jeonghan didn’t either. “Dr. Crispen says to talk. We’re talking now, aren’t we? That’s better. And I don’t know either. Sometimes I want to cry, and sometimes I want to kiss you before I remember. And then I want to cry again because this was never supposed to be like this, we were never supposed to be like this. But Joshua, you made your bed."

Joshua had been searching his face the entire time, looking for something, listening, maybe trying to memorise it, Jeonghan couldn’t say. He gulped.

"I'm sorry."

Jeonghan nodded, that’s all he ever said, and closed his eyes for a few seconds. 

"Let's go to sleep."

  
  


Joshua reached for Jeonghan’s hand a few nights later. Not moving closer, not asking for anything more, just the touch of his fingers on his wrist, gentle, asking. Jeonghan took his hand. They fell asleep like that, both on opposite sides of the bed, hands clasped in the middle. Close but apart. Touching but separate.

  
  


The day after the kids went back to school, Joshua had a series of meetings in town, and spent a night away from the house. Jeonghan tried not to let it distract him, tried to stay focused on work, on his own meetings, on various projects he was overseeing. He tried to sleep. Tossed and turned for hours before finally giving in, getting up, wrapping himself in his housecoat, pulling on slippy socks, and padding down the stairs. He put milk into a pan and crumpled in some chocolate, pulling a whisk out of the drawer with a yawn and turning on the hob. He whisked the chocolate into the milk with a yawn, Wonwoo’s recipe. 

Jeonghan stood in front of the living room window with his mug of hot chocolate and stared out across the back garden. Stared at the swings and the tree house, that Seungcheol and Joshua had put together one summer when Wonwoo was still a toddler. Stared at the pond, where Soonyoung had fallen in one year and given Jeonghan a heart attack. Stared at the love seat, nestled under its little wooden canopy, where Jeonghan and Joshua had opened the letter saying that yes they could adopt a child. Stared out across the life they’d built and tried to pinpoint where Joshua had stopped needing him, stopped wanting him, stopped loving him.

He wasn’t going to sleep.

Jeonghan made his way back upstairs, opening the doors to the kids’ rooms and leaning against the door frame, looking upon their lives, the teenage boy smell of their rooms, even when they weren’t there. Looking, without really seeing, at the photos on their walls, the posters on their ceilings, the pile of clothes in the corner of Wonwoo’s room that he’d promised Jeonghan he would put into the hamper before he left. The overflowing bins—he’d have to clean tomorrow.

He went back into his bedroom and pulled out his diary, flipping it open to the next blank page. He put down his mug and picked up his phone.

“ _Darling, is everything alright?”_ Joshua answered on the fifth ring, voice sleep thick and worried.

“Can’t sleep.”

_“Oh,”_ The relief was evident in his voice, “ _Have you put socks on?”_

“Yeah, made hot chocolate, gone through the kids’ rooms, wandered around the house.” Jeonghan sank back against the pillows.

“ _Do you,”_ Joshua yawned, “ _Do you want to talk about it?”_

“Joshua?”

“ _Anything you need.”_

“Where are you?”

_“In our place in Sacramento. Do you want to video call?”_

Jeonghan closed his eyes, suddenly incredibly upset, “Yeah.”

Joshua appeared on the screen, back lit by the side lamp, hair all tousled and face creased, “ _You look exhausted.”_

“It’s like, 4 am or something, I just want to sleep.”

_“You never sleep well when I’m away, is that it?”_

It probably was, he’d gotten a little more used to sleeping in separate beds over the past few months, but one week of shared beds had reset him. He shrugged.

“ _Are you worried I’m with Seungcheol? I promise I’m not, I can tour the apartment?”_

“Just show me the bed.”

Joshua moved the phone around, showing the empty room.

“You’re back in our bedroom?”

_“Yeah, is that okay?”_

Jeonghan nodded.

“ _Feeling like you can sleep?”_

Jeonghan shrugged, but obligingly got under the covers and turned onto his side, blinking at the phone.

“ _Turn the light off, baby—”_

“Don’t call me baby.” Jeonghan reached up for the light and levelled a glare at Joshua.

_“Sorry, sorry, it just, I didn’t mean to?”_

Jeonghan hummed, closing his eyes.

_“Go to sleep, I’m right here.”_ Joshua murmured.

Jeonghan tried, he really tried. But, he had to—

“Love you?”

_“Love you too, go on, I’m not going anywhere, let go.”_

Jeonghan nuzzled down into the pillow and listened to Joshua’s breathing through the phone until eventually, he drifted off. 

When Joshua came home it was weird, Jeonghan stared at him for a while before the tears slipped free and he stepped closer, his heart hurt.

“Shua? Can I, can I have a hug? Please?”

Joshua only nodded and opened his arms, wrapping them around Jeonghan tightly, pressing his nose against his cheek, holding him.

Jeonghan couldn’t stop the tears, clutching close and crying hard, Joshua’s embrace the only thing keeping him together. He didn’t understand—

When the tears eventually stopped, Joshua was still there, still holding him close, holding him tight, holding him up, and Jeonghan squeezed him tightly before letting go, pulling half back, and wiping his face with his sleeve.

“I don’t know—”

“You don’t have to have a reason.”

Jeonghan nodded.

“Thank you—”

Joshua brushed Jeonghan’s hair off his forehead and cupped his cheek.

“Anytime.”

Jeonghan leaned back in and hugged him tightly. He felt better. Lighter.


	4. Imagine

_ Imagine a world like that  
We go like up 'til I'm 'sleep on your chest  
Love how my face fits so good in your neck  
Why can't you imagine a world like that? _

The day of the eventual election was tiring. Jeonghan had been waiting all night long, all day long really. Joshua was buzzing. Equal parts excited and terrified. Jeonghan was just staying out of the staff’s way and tugging him out of rooms he didn’t need to be in whenever one of his aides looked particularly done in. Which was often.

“Mr. Hong? Jeonghan?”

Jeonghan turned, coffee cup halfway to his lips, “Hi Seungkwan, everything okay?”

“They’re announcing in thirty seconds.”

“Right.” Jeonghan put the cup down and brushed his hands off on a towel, patting himself down and flattening cuffs, hurrying after Seungkwan down the corridor. He actually couldn’t believe today was the day. He paused outside the door and took a breath, biting his lips quickly for some colour and then pushing the door open.

Joshua had an arm around his waist before he was even by his side.

“They’re announcing in ten.”

“And?”

“Pretty sure I’m a senator, darling.”

Jeonghan leaned into his side and smiled, ignoring the looks from the staff, this wasn’t about him. This was about his husband, his husband’s dream, something they’d both plunged money and time and effort into for years and years and that was finally within his reach.

Jeonghan didn’t even hear the announcement, but Joshua was kissing him, quick, ecstatic, and pulling back before Jeonghan could even register that it had happened, turning to Seungkwan and pulling him into a tight hug.

He’d won.

Joshua hardly let go of his hand for the rest of the evening, and into the early hours. Through the speeches, and the drinks and the midnight feast. Through the congratulations and the phone call with the losing candidate. Through the screaming and the celebratory jokes. And then when they were alone, it didn’t feel like he could.

Jeonghan lifted their hands up and covered them with his other hand, “I’m here, Joshua. You can let go now.”

Joshua looked at him, a smile still stretched across his face, and nodded, “We did it.”

“You did it.”

“Your interview—”

“Your politics.”

“Your money—”

Jeonghan shook his head with a small smile, as if that was what won the election. 

“And yours, let’s not. Congratulations, Senator Hong.”

“You’re a Senator Spouse now.” Joshua laughed, finally letting go to step over to his side of the bed and unpack his pyjamas.

“Do I get a badge?” Jeonghan dimpled, unbuttoning his blazer and hanging it up carefully.

“I think there’s a knitting club—”

“Joshua!”

“Okay okay! They do dinners?” Joshua offered, folding his clothes neatly.

Jeonghan buttoned up his pyjamas and stepped into the bathroom, “What’s tomorrow?”

“Start apartment hunting? Write my thank you cards, tidy the office, ring the kids, nothing intense.”

“You ready?”

“As long as you’re still moving with me?”

“Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay. ” Jeonghan said softly and Joshua almost reached for him before leaning against the bathroom door, hands in his pockets.

“Your people are my people. Okay. Just checking.”

Jeonghan nodded, spat out his toothpaste and dried his face.

“Okay, it’s time to sleep.” he patted Joshua’s chest and pushed past him, climbing into bed and turning off his light. 

“Congratulations, I’m so,” he yawned, “so proud of you. Good night, Senator.”

Jeonghan woke up first for once, woke up before his husband and woke up wrapped up in an octopus embrace. 

He froze.

What, he didn’t, why? Joshua woke up first every day was this, had he been, he didn’t, why—

“Honey, relax, it’s early, what has you so upset?”

Jeonghan didn’t respond and Joshua nuzzled closer into his neck, pulling him tight against him.

“Why are you on me?” Jeonghan’s voice was squeaky and scared, why was he scared, this was his husband? Joshua sprung away.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“You wake up first?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to, I’m asleep—”

“I dream of you touching him.” Jeonghan managed, closing his eyes and trying to breathe through the nightmare flooding his eyelids. Joshua didn’t say anything. 

“I can’t, I can’t—I need coffee.” Jeonghan sat up and swung his legs off the side of the bed, leaning onto his knees.

He couldn’t go any further.

His head was swimming, he felt like he was going to throw up. Why was he having a panic attack now, of all times? He didn’t need this right now. They’d been doing so well.

When he didn’t move, Joshua sat up behind him, hands ghosting over his shoulders.

“Baby?”

Jeonghan shook his head sharply. 

“You don’t—” snatched inhale, “no.”

“Jeonghan, I’m sorry. Can you breathe for me?”

Jeonghan shook his head, breath getting tighter and tighter, shaking and squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to ease the nausea.

“You can, I promise you can. Breathe in—”

Jeonghan tried he really tried, gasping, grasping—

“That’s it, let some air in, you can do it, I know you can.”

He was being pathetic, he hadn’t even, nothing had happened, he couldn’t—

“You’re not being silly, I know what you’re thinking, Jeonghan, you’re doing so well, keep breathing, just like that, great job, keep going, you’re doing so well.”

Jeonghan panted and sank onto his elbows, the attack over just as suddenly as it had begun. He toppled sideways and hugged his knees. 

“I’m so proud of you darl—Jeonghan. I’m going to call for tea, alright?”

Jeonghan nodded, tears leaking out of his eyes. He turned his head into the duvet and tried to stifle his sobs, but clearly his body wasn’t finished throwing a fit because they quickly overcame him and he couldn’t stop. He was so tired, he didn’t want to cry, he just, all he could see was Seungcheol under Joshua, Joshua calling Seungcheol love, calling him darling and sweetheart and kissing him, and it all just made him cry harder, shaking.

Joshua settled his hands on his shoulders and Jeonghan flinched away from him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t, how do I do this without touching you, Jeonghan?”

Jeonghan held his breath and then the sobs burst out of him, interspersed with ‘the phone, the way you do it on the phone.’

“Oh, right, yeah. Lov—Jeonghan, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, just listen to my voice, I’m right beside you. Try to breathe with me,” Joshua took several deep breaths.

“I know you feel rotten right now, but it will pass, I promise it will pass.”

“You’re going to be fine, just breathe with me. I love you lots, and I’m right beside you, you’re okay. Ba—Jeonghan breathe with me, please.”

Jeonghan strained to hear him, tried to listen, tried to control himself, tried—

“You can do it, I know you can.”

Managed to inhale once exhale, and then again.

“That’s it, a little slower, listen to me.”

Jeonghan fisted his hands in the sheets, trying to focus on something other than the vivid flashes of Seungcheol behind his eyelids. 

“Shua—”

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Only yours. Right behind you. Keep breathing, you’re nearly there. I know you can do it.”

Jeonghan hated panic attacks. Hated them so much, but that didn’t stop them from being a regular occurrence, didn’t stop there from being times when his body overrode his brain and just shut down all logical thought and ignored everything he knew.

“There you are. That’s it. Breathe like that, you’re so clever, I knew you could do it. You’re safe, you’re safe. I’m here, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan flopped onto his back, drained, completely and utterly drained and it wasn’t even 8 am. 

“I hate this.”

“I know you do. You’re doing so well though.”

Jeonghan reached out blindly and landed on Joshua’s ankle.

“Can I?”

“Of course.”

He wrapped his hand around it, searching for his pulse and breathing a little easier when he located it, pressing the pads of two of his fingers to the vein and letting it calm him down the rest of the way.

“I’m going to order breakfast.”

Jeonghan nodded, eyes still closed, not moving for fear he’d trigger it back up again.

Joshua tapped away on the hotel phone, “Good morning, Joshua Hong Room 323. Thank you—Yes, I’d like to order breakfast to my room—I’m aware—No, I’d like it in my room. Tea, coffee, orange juice, pastries, toast, marmalade. Yogurt, and a selection of fruit. Thank you—As soon as possible—Thank you.”

“Darling? Can you let go? I have to get the breakfast, I’ll be right back, I’m not going anywhere, I promise. You don’t have to let me out of your sight all day. I promise.” Joshua soothed and Jeonghan reluctantly let go of his ankle, catching his own wrist in his grip and feeling his own pulse. Joshua was only gone a split second before he was coaxing Jeonghan up and handing him a cup of coffee, doctored perfectly to his tastes. 

“Thank you,” Jeonghan pressed his hand over Joshua’s, “Thank you.”

Joshua held his gaze, “You’re welcome.”

“I kept seeing him with you.” Charles had said to be honest after all. Joshua made as if to move away but Jeonghan held him fast.

“I don’t know how to fix that.”

Jeonghan nodded, “I don’t either.”

True to his word, Joshua stayed within Jeonghan’s sight all day, except for scant few moments when he couldn’t, but always prefaced with a half touch or a look, and never for longer than a few minutes. Jeonghan didn’t question it, and was just grateful. 

The kids were ecstatic.

Their screams when they answered the phone made both of their parents laugh, and Wonwoo in particular was effusive in his congratulations—Jeonghan relaxed.

Neither of their phones calmed down the entire day, Jeonghan ended up with the two of them, copy-pasting a generic but nonetheless genuine thank you message from both of them as a response to all and sundry.

  
  


Joshua, and by extension Jeonghan, rode the election high for several weeks. 

Joshua bashfully handed Jeonghan a bouquet of flowers a few days after the election, three calla lilies, white, pink and yellow. Jeonghan, he took them obviously, but it was weird. Joshua had maybe bought him flowers five times? Jeonghan got flowers for Joshua nearly every few weeks. Or he had. They smelt lovely, like creamy cloves, and Jeonghan thanked his husband and went to find them a vase. They made a pretty addition to his desk for the next ten days.

They went on lots of walks, not touching, not talking much, just side by side, strolling through the crisp air. Not exactly companionable silence, slightly charged with words neither of them wanted to say, but much more comfortable than it had been.

Jeonghan, every few days, would appear in the door of Joshua’s office and ask quietly for his phone. Scrolling through messages and call histories and deleted notes with his heart in his mouth, until he found nothing. Apart from a congratulatory message that Seungcheol had sent them both the morning after the election, “Dear Senator and Mr Hong, Congratulations!!” that he’d already seen. Absolutely nothing. Nothing suspicious, nothing worrying, nothing scary, nothing.

Joshua somehow found the time, every day, to interrupt Jeonghan’s work at around 3 pm with a cup of tea or coffee and a snack. So much so that by the third week, when Joshua didn’t appear by 4 pm, Jeonghan went in search of him, hunting through the apartment quietly until he found him on a phone call in the kitchen, two mugs and a teapot on the counter, leaning against the fridge and nodding.

Jeonghan hovered in the doorway until Joshua caught sight of him, offering him a half smile and circling his fist over his chest. Jeonghan nodded with a smile and slipped back into his office. 

Joshua knocked on his door a half hour later, “Hey, I got caught with another senator, do you want tea?”

Jeonghan turned around from his desk, nodding, “Please. Who was it?”

“The new senator for Wyoming, I’m still not quite sure what he wanted but it took nearly two hours,” Joshua explained as Jeonghan followed him into the kitchen, “I went out this morning, picked up some pastries, do you want one?”

Jeonghan hid a smile, accepting a mug and taking a sip. “You’re spoiling me lately.”

Joshua turned around, startled, “I’m—”

“I like it.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know,” Jeonghan stepped closer, took his hand, leaned against him for a second, “I know, thank you, it means a lot.”

Joshua wrapped his arm around Jeonghan’s waist, gentle but steady.

“I do love you—”

“I know.”

  
  


They went home for Thanksgiving, picking the kids up from school and driving to Jeonghan’s parents’ place. The kids vanished almost immediately, going off to chat to their cousins and feast on finger food. Seongja hugged Jeonghan and kissed him on both cheeks firmly before staring at Joshua.

“You hurt my brother.”

Jeonghan held back a sigh, watching as Joshua blanched. He knew he’d been low key dreading this holiday, but on Thanksgiving they went to Jeonghan’s parents, Christmas to Joshua’s. Changing that routine wouldn’t be helpful for anyone.

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“I think he’s mad to stay with you but what can I do? Do it again and I swear to God, Joshua, I’ll make pottery with your bones.”

“Seongja, stop it. Joshua, Appa wants you to help him in the kitchen. Seongja, Eomma needs help upstairs.”

Seongja fixed Joshua with a truly impressive glare before turning and heading up the stairs. Joshua exhaled. 

“I’m—”

“No, don’t be sorry. She’s just terrifying. Okay, what does your Appa want me for?” Joshua hung his coat up and put his hands on Jeonghan’s shoulders for a split second. 

“Your fancy potato recipe.” Jeonghan hummed before pulling away.

Wonwoo knocked on their door that night, just after Joshua had fallen asleep, pushing it open slowly and blinking across the room at Jeonghan with eyes ringed with tiredness until Jeonghan put down his book and waved him over.

“What is it sweetie?” Jeonghan scooted over into the middle of the bed so that Wonwoo could sit in beside him.

“Are you not thankful for dad?”

Jeonghan was glad Joshua was asleep. 

“Of course I am.”

“Why didn’t you say that? You always say ‘I’m thankful for my husband and my children and my wonderful support system’, but you just said your faith.” Wonwoo leaned against Jeonghan’s side and pulled his knees up.

Oh, he remembered what he said every year? He had the most precious children. 

“Well, I am so very thankful for you,” Jeonghan kissed Wonwoo’s hair, “and your brother. And my family. But this year, I’m just extra thankful for my faith. It’s been hard, with the election, and Soonyoung starting to board fully—”

“And dad’s affair.”

“—and your father’s affair. And it’s been reassuring to know that my faith isn’t going to change or move or vanish, that I can close my eyes and pray and be heard. It’s comforting. So I’m thankful for that comfort.”

Wonwoo just nuzzled closer and Jeonghan checked the time. 

“Wonwoo, sweetie, it’s nearly 2 am, could you not sleep?”

He shook his head slowly.

“What is it?”

“Every time I close my eyes, it’s a judge asking me who I want to stay with and I can’t choose,” Wonwoo started to cry and Jeonghan wrapped an arm around him, “and then the judge says if I can’t choose then he’s going to take me away and I never see—” he cut himself off, pressing his face against Jeonghan’s top and sobbing loudly.

Jeonghan just held him and kissed his hair and rubbed his back, Wonwoo couldn’t really hear him anyway and Joshua was waking up beside him. They could reassure him together when he calmed down.

“I don’t want to go away!”

“I know, you don’t have to. Nobody is taking you away from us, I promise. And nobody is going to make you choose.”

It took Joshua a few seconds, but he sat up and reached around Jeonghan to rub at the back of Wonwoo’s neck. 

“We love you so much, you’re safe here with us. Do you want to get in the middle? You can sleep here tonight, love.”

Wonwoo nodded, sobbing and Jeonghan rubbed his back.

“Come on then, climb in.”

Wonwoo clambered over Jeonghan into the middle and pressed his face into the pillows. His parents rubbed his back gently, quietly, waiting for him to surface. Jeonghan had hoped that it wasn’t affecting him this much, he’d always had a fear of being taken away from them, and it hurt even more to know that this was hurting him.

He eventually curled into Joshua’s hip, clinging onto Jeonghan’s hand and managing a quiet whisper.

“I’m scared, I’m trying to be brave for Soonie but I’m scared.”

“Do you trust us?” Jeonghan asked gently and Wonwoo nodded.

“Your Appa and I have both told you that we’re not getting a divorce, and that you will never have to choose between us.”

“We’re never going to let you be taken away. We’ll always be here for you. For whatever you need.”

“Until we’re 100.”

“Until you’re 100.”

“But then you’ll be ancient.” Wonwoo huffed, relaxing slowly.

“Decrepit.”

“Practically vampirical.”

Wonwoo turned onto his back and whined, his ‘appas’ sounding a lot more like a six year old than a 16 year old, but Jeonghan was just happy he’d stopped crying.

Jeonghan and Joshua lay back down, Jeonghan turned his light down low and pulled the duvet up over the three of them. 

“Do you think you can sleep now?”

“Yeah, thank you.”

Jeonghan kissed his hand and snuggled into his pillow, eyes falling shut.

“Goodnight love.”

“Night, Appa.”

“Night loves.”

“Night, Dad.”

Jeonghan was almost asleep when he heard Wonwoo’s quiet, “Does Appa still love you?” and he held his breath.

“Of course he does. Your Appa is a love machine, Wonwoo. Once he starts loving someone, he’ll never ever stop.”

“And you love Appa?”

“With all my heart.”

Jeonghan fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you spotted a bible quote, yes you were right: Ruth 1.16 {But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.}
> 
> For the day that's in it, have the election...  
> If you're american, stay safe!  
> If you're not, I'm sure you—like me—are glued to CNN in horror.  
>  _'May you live in interesting times.'_ -> I don't really want to, to be honest.  
> Rose x


	5. You were good to me

_Leavin' isn't better than tryin'  
Growin', but I'm just growin' tired  
_

From then on it was a rush of apartment hunting, holiday shopping and wrapping up final quarter business. If Jeonghan wasn’t in a meeting, he was in a shop, or on the phone with someone who was in a shop.

“Amy?” Jeonghan called through the phone, the line had been open all day.

_“Yes Boss?”_

“The last three apartments, can you get a viewing all on the same day? Next—” Jeonghan scrolled through his schedule. Busy, busy, busy, busy—

“Wednesday? Call the Senator’s office see if that suits him. We need to have this—”

_“Okay, noted. Anything else?”_

“Remind me to ring my mother-in-law tomorrow? Can you liaise with Seungkwan to have Joshua ring the kids, they can’t seem to get a hold of him. And try and find a time in our schedules for a few hours of Christmas shopping? Okay, I have that meeting now, talk later.”

_“Right, I’ll get on that, before you go?”_

Jeonghan paused in his dialling, “Yeah, I’m still here.”

_“Seungkwan asked if you can do something about the Senator’s headaches? He’s getting at least one a day.”_

Jeonghan sighed, “Yeah, okay, I’ll deal with it. Thanks Amy.” Their PAs were a godsend.

_“Jeonghan? Do you have ten minutes, I’ll run through your new schedule?”_

Jeonghan transferred her to his ear piece and stood up, “Go ahead, I’m just going to make coffee.”

_“Perfect. Okay, all the apartments are set up to view on Wednesday, you’ve a hotel booked for Tuesday and Wednesday nights, they’re all ready to sign and the Senator is flying over with you on Tuesday. Flight at noon. Your meetings have been moved to Friday, back to back, you might have to actually go into the office, Minghao was pretty incensed, maybe give him a ring. The kids have been rung, Soonyoung needs new shoes, something about leaking?”_

“Did Joshua ring them?” Jeonghan asked, pressing brew on the coffee machine.

_“Yeah, Seungkwan said he spent an hour onto the two of them. The only time your schedules coincide is tomorrow night at 6 pm? It’s late night shopping anyway, but it's either tomorrow or when you’re in D.C. or separately.”_

“Okay, that’s brilliant Amy, thanks a million.”

_“No worries. Right and then, don’t forget you have an appointment with Dr. Crispen tomorrow morning at 8, and then you’re in board meetings until 5.”_

Jeonghan took a large gulp of coffee, “Great. Okay, before I let you go, do you know where the Senator is? I can ring, I don’t mind, just if you know?”

_“In his office as far as I’m aware, Seungkwan said he’s been in and out all day. Is that all?”_

“Yeah, that’s great. Thanks, talk to you tomorrow, have a good night.”

“Y _ou too, Jeonghan._ ” She clicked off and Jeonghan sipped his coffee. He rang Joshua.

_“Senator Hong’s phone, Seungkwan speaking.”_

“Seungkwan? It’s Jeonghan.”

_“Oh, hi Jeonghan, em, do you, em, do you want the senator?”_

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow and walked back into his office, “Yes, I would like him please, is he there?”

_“Em, well. Actually—”_

“We talked about this. You tell me where he is immediately or I turn up and scream.” Jeonghan said mildly, setting his mug down beside a vase of hope irises, a rather on the nose advent gift from Joshua.

“ _He’s, well, Jeonghan, I don’t know how to say this—”_

Jeonghan reminded himself that Seungkwan was a great help to Joshua and supposedly had had no idea about the affair and didn’t really know how much his words were stressing Jeonghan out right now. “Seungkwan. Get this phone into his hand right now or so help me—”

“ _He’s asleep! I gave him painkillers and they knocked him out and I don’t know what to do, he has meetings but he had such a bad headache he wasn’t seeing properly and I told him to go home but he insisted and—”_

Oh that was so much better than he’d imagined. “Can you let him sleep for an hour?” Jeonghan petted the petals of one of the irises gently.

_“I have!”_

“Wake him up in ten minutes and put him onto me, alright? It’s not your fault. Don’t worry.”

_“Thanks Jeonghan.”_

Jeonghan didn’t fret for the next twenty minutes but he was relieved when his phone rang and he was greeted by Joshua’s exhausted tones. 

_“Hannie, I really don’t feel well.”_

“Come home, have a bath, go to bed.”

 _“I have a meeting,”_ Jeonghan could hear Joshua breathing through pain, _“_ __I have two meetings, but—”_ _his husband sobbed once and then twice and Jeonghan was powering down his computer and grabbing his keys before he could finish his sentence.

“You’re coming home. I’m coming to get you, okay? Seungkwan can reschedule, or you can send an email. Who are you supposed to be meeting?”

_“Staff, and someone about the layout of my new office.”_

“I’ll talk to the decorator okay? Put me onto Seungkwan and just breathe.” Jeonghan set the phone into its holder in the car and reversed out of the car spot.

_“Jeonghan? It’s Seungkwan.”_

“Hi, cancel that staff meeting, or do it for him. I’ll meet with the decorator, is that in the office or on the phone? I’m coming in to get Joshua, he needs to sleep.”

There was a muffled ‘Thank God’ and then _“_ _She’s here now, I’ll tell her you’re on the way. Thank you Jeonghan. Seriously. You’re the only one he listens to.”_

Jeonghan ended the call after getting some details about the decorator and turned on the radio. A year ago, this would have been nothing. Driving into his husband’s office to cajole him into the car after a long day had almost been a weekly occurrence, but recently? Jeonghan hadn’t been in his office since September.

Joshua curled into the passenger seat, sunglasses on and a heat pack around his neck, reaching for Jeonghan’s hand every time he changed gear. 

“Thank you for doing that, I could have managed.”

“No you couldn’t have. And nobody knows you better, so don’t pull that on me.” Jeonghan pulled onto the road near their apartment.

“I feel awful.”

“Seungkwan said you’ve had a headache every day?”

Joshua made a noise that sounded like an agreement and Jeonghan sighed. 

“So I take it that you haven’t been going to your massage appointments?”

“Feels like I’m cheating all over again when I do.” Joshua whispered and Jeonghan reached for his hand.

“Joshua, it isn’t. And you figured out years ago that massage was the only thing that worked for your headaches, why are you doing this to yourself?”

Joshua looked out the window and after a while, Jeonghan heard his whisper.

“Penance.”

Jeonghan caught the wounded noise in his throat and settled for gripping Joshua’s hand tighter as he pulled into their spot. Well. That stopped now.

Jeonghan settled Joshua on the couch with a mug of hot water before rolling the massage table out from under their bed and raising it up. He hooked up his phone to the speakers and pressed play on one of the soothing playlists. He hadn’t taken courses in this art for Joshua to throw all his progress aside and return to his daily debilitating headaches.

“If you want penance, go to church, come to me—goodness knows I spent hours in prayer, join me. Don’t hurt yourself, I never want you to do that,” Jeonghan pressed down with his thumbs on the centre of Joshua’s back, counting the eight seconds out in his head. “And if you won’t go to someone else, you need to ask me.”

“But, you don’t want to touch me.”

Jeonghan moved up to a spot on his right shoulder, pressing down firmly with his palm.

“I don’t want you to touch me right now, no. But this is different. This is for your health, Joshua.”

“I don’t want to hurt you any more.”

“I know you don’t, and I don’t want you to, believe me. But you need—” Jeonghan swapped shoulders, “this. And I know you don’t like timetables—we still need to talk about that properly—but surely you can schedule a massage once a week. You know it helps, Joshua, and I didn’t get accredited for nothing.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Look, Joshua. You want me to be able to trust you again, I need to start by trusting you with yourself.”

Joshua hissed as he pressed harder on that spot, holding it for fifteen seconds before moving to the top of his spine. 

“I hate my headaches.”

“I know you do. I know. How is it now?”

“Sort of want to pass out.”

“Bath and bed?”

Joshua hummed and Jeonghan worked down his spine. “Can you, could you, never mind.”

Jeonghan pressed his lips together, “Joshua.”

Joshua exhaled and didn’t say anything for a while, just hissing or humming when Jeonghan pressed too hard or just hard enough on various pressure points. He’d taken several courses in Shiatsu over the years, been accredited by the sheer volume of them about five years ago, but Jeonghan had been, in some way or another, giving Joshua massages since they’d started dating. Initially, just shoulder rubs, every college students’ essential weapon against stress and pain. But later, more intense versions as Joshua’s search for headache remedies turned up no results. ‘Tension headaches’, ‘nothing to do’, ‘just be less stressed’. 

If only it was that easy. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t hate me.”

“Joshua, if I don’t hate you by now, excuse my language, but Jesus Christ, what is going to make me hate you. And I don’t hate you,” Jeonghan blinked back tears, “I love you, I love you.”

“Can you, would you mind, do you think—”

“What, Joshua? Just spit it out.”

“When we go to bed, can you hold me? Please? Please, I just, everything hurts and I can’t sleep properly.”

Jeonghan paused, palms splayed out over Joshua’s shoulder blades, hold him? It was true they slept better together and if Jeonghan’s skeleton was annoyed after the weeks of no contact then Joshua’s was probably worse. 

“You don’t have to, I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry.” Joshua would have backed away and left the room other than he was literally face down on a massage table, Jeonghan just pressed down onto his shoulders.

When Jeonghan finished the massage, he left his palms on the base of Joshua’s neck for several seconds. “I’ll hold you. Have a bath first, try and relax, you’re just giving yourself grief.”

Joshua sat up slowly, reaching tentatively for Jeonghan’s hand and pressing his cheek against it.

“Thank you.”

Jeonghan would be lying to say that it was entirely comfortable to tug Joshua into his arms and slot his head above his. It was uncomfortable. Unfamiliar. But the way Joshua went boneless within five seconds and fell asleep within five minutes was hard to ignore.

Jeonghan exhaled slowly and tried to replace the insidious Seungcheol images with all the times they’d fallen asleep like this before. It was Joshua’s go to comfort sleeping position, this was normal, this was familiar. He breathed in the rosey lemon scent of Joshua’s hair, the clean cotton smell of the linen, normal smells. Joshua’s puffed breaths, the whirr of their chargers, the distant rush of traffic. For all that it was suddenly unfamiliar, Joshua’s weight against his chest was reassuring. He was there, he wasn’t anywhere else, wasn’t with anyone else, he was with Jeonghan. He was Jeonghan’s. 

  
  


They’d spent all day looking at apartments, dealing with the sugary sweet real estate agents and trying to see themselves living in the different locations. The first agent had gone on and on about how there were two bedrooms until Jeonghan had copped on to the fact that she thought they slept separately and had loudly declared that ‘This room would be lovely for the kids to come visit. Perhaps your mother?” The woman had flushed and left them to explore by themselves. The second apartment had been weirdly echoey but, like Goldilocks, the third apartment had been perfect. They’d signed the lease, and gone for a walk around the neighbourhood, getting dinner before finding their way back to the hotel.

Jeonghan was waiting for Joshua to come to bed so he could properly relax. He was fidgeting around the room—moving papers, folding clothes, flicking through a book, going to the bathroom— waking him back up every time he started to drift off, until eventually, Joshua lay down and the room fell silent.

Jeonghan fell asleep only to be startled awake by sobbing. He opened his eyes, moving slightly, and the sobbing cut off. Oh Joshua.

He turned, Joshua was scrunched into a ball, face pressed against the pillows and Jeonghan closed his eyes, “Shua?”

No response.

Reaching out slowly to touch the tips of his fingers to his shoulder, Jeonghan blinked away sleep.

“Shua?”

“I didn’t mean to—” sob– “wake you up.”

Jeonghan settled his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, “That’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

“How are you not mad?”

Jeonghan lay back down, a little closer to Joshua and left his hand on his shoulder, rubbing in gentle circles. The affair, he presumed. 

“I don’t know.”

“I ruined your life.”

“No, that’s not true.”

“It is, I messed everything up, made all the wrong choices, didn’t tell you, hurt you, lost friends, ruined your reputation—” Joshua sobbed and Jeonghan sighed.

“I’m not saying it’s okay. I’m not saying I’m not hurt and betrayed and upset. But I am saying that we can work through this, okay? We are working through this. Come here to me.” Jeonghan tugged at his husband until he rolled over. His hair was stuck to his forehead with tears and his eyes were puffy and red. Jeonghan scooted over and drew him into an embrace.

“You, you don’t have to touch me.”

“I know I don’t. I love you, you’re my husband and you’re upset. And it’s late. Nothing else matters right now, okay?” Jeonghan pressed their cheeks together gently and Joshua just sobbed harder.

He tentatively put his hands on the back of Jeonghan’s pyjamas, and then—when Jeonghan didn't flinch or push him away—he clung, hands clutching the fabric, face pressed into Jeonghan’s shoulder, crying and trying to apologise, over and over.

Jeonghan just soothed him and held him and hummed quietly, something they used to sing to the kids when they woke with nightmares, and eventually Joshua stopped crying, stopped clutching him so tightly, and just breathed against his skin. 

“How are you so stoic?”

“If I fall apart, then we’re done for, hm? And I’ve shed my fair share of tears, haven’t I?” Jeonghan’s breath was ruffling Joshua’s hair, tickling him probably, but he didn’t move, didn’t let go at all.

“I’m so sorry, I was such an idiot, why didn’t I just talk to you? We’ve always talked things out, why, why didn’t I talk to you?” 

“I don’t know, why didn’t you?” Jeonghan rolled onto his back, dragging Joshua with him, the younger freezing when he realised where he was. Jeonghan just rubbed circles onto his spine until he relaxed again, cuddled against his chest.

“I wanted something that was mine.” 

Jeonghan still didn’t understand that, but he was gentle when he said, “Something that was yours? Baby, I’m yours.”

Joshua shook his head, tears dripping off his nose, “I’m _yours_. I wanted something that was mine.”

Jeonghan didn’t let go when Joshua went to pull away, “Wait, Joshua what are you talking about?”

“It’s silly.”

“Clearly not.” Jeonghan was exhausted but they were getting to the bottom of this tonight. And right here. Joshua was always more honest when they were touching.

“This is your marriage, it’s not mine, I live in it but it’s not mine.”

“Joshua, you proposed, I have your name?”

Joshua went to pull back but Jeonghan shook his head.

“Stay. Tell me how you feel right here.”

“Marriage makes you so happy. I love being married to you, but for you it transfigured you, you _became_ my husband and you love it so much. You took my name because it made you feel safe, but I couldn’t take yours.” Joshua shook and Jeonghan reached up to brush the tears from his cheeks carefully.

“Everything I have is yours, but you won’t—you didn’t—nothing is mine.”

“Everything about me is yours, Joshua? You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about at night, how could I be anymore yours?”

“Everything is for the good of our marriage, not the good of us. Neither of us can be selfish, and I can’t decide to do something for you because it’ll surprise you and you’ll have something planned, and I want to be able to spoil you and treat you and bring you places, but even lately, when I’ve been surprising you with tea, it’s a routine now, it’s not novel or new or interesting, it’s just what we do at 3 pm.”

Jeonghan reached back for a tissue off the table and dabbed at Joshua’s tears.

“And what do you want? What do you want us to do?”

“Stop doing that! Stop just agreeing with me for the sake of our marriage, stop trying to fix everything, stop pretending everything is fine and I didn’t fuck our best friend!”

Jeonghan took a shaky breath. 

“That was unnecessary.”

Joshua shook his head, pulling back again, this time Jeonghan let him, but went with him, rolling onto his side and lacing their hands together.

“Do you want a divorce?”

Joshua searched his face, shaking his head before he even opened his mouth.

“No, no no of course I don’t! No.”

Jeonghan nodded, “Okay. Well if you don’t want a divorce and you don’t want me to fix things then what do you want? To keep seeing him? Because Joshua, if it’s selfish of me to say I can not abide by that—”

“I don’t want that.”

“Okay, okay. That’s a start, hm? You want to be selfish? Do you want my name?” Jeonghan tucked a curl of Joshua’s hair behind his ear and Joshua pressed into it.

“Be honest with me.”

“Honest? It hurts to breathe. All the time. Every time you leave the house all I can think of is what if you’re lying. Every time you come home, my heart skips a beat and my family doesn't understand why I haven’t left. Seokmin stopped talking to me because he can’t stand to see me stay with a cheater. I lost my best friend when you broke my heart, and I’ve lost Cheol too. You asked me why I’m so stoic?”

Joshua nodded jerkily, eyes wide.

“I’m not a shouter, but if I started I think it would probably end with me throwing you out of the house, and Joshua, I’m being selfish when I say I love you too much for that. That has nothing to do with the kids, or with appearances, or with you. It’s purely me being possessive and jealous and nobody else can have you, even if I can’t. So, Joshua, love of my life, what do you _want_ , hm? All I want is to work through this. Everything else is negotiable.”

“I want you to be mine.”

Jeonghan took a breath. Calm, be calm. 

“But what does that mean to you, Joshua? Because in my eyes, that’s what I am.”

It took Joshua a few moments, opening his mouth several times before cutting himself off and eventually sighing.

“Why do I have to be your husband, why can’t I just be Joshua?”

Jeonghan swallowed his initial ‘but we’re married’ and thought about it, still holding Joshua’s hand, still trying to reassure him that he was just thinking, not angry. Why couldn’t he be Joshua? Why was he attached to the tag ‘husband’ in his head? Well, he was his husband. 

“I don’t know. I mean, obviously you think there’s a difference, and I’m not saying there isn’t, but I don’t know what that difference is?”

Joshua nodded, mooched a little closer.

“Everything is ours. Our house, our plans, our kids. Our bed, our dinner, our lives. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. When I’m your husband, I’m part of this one thing, which is fine, but it’s just not all I am. I want to be your lover, your heart, your boyfriend. I don’t want to go on dates just because if we don’t then we’re just sad old married people, I want to go on dates because I want to, or you want to. I want to buy you things because I want to, not because I should? I am your husband, when it comes to taxes, to kids, to the public, but to each other, I want to be your boyfriend.”

“But we got married?” 

“I know we did, and I don’t regret it, I love you, I love being your husband, but that’s not all I am. I’m Joshua, I’m the person who always gets you lilies because you like the smell, even when people think they’re a funeral flower. I’m the person who got your name wrong when I proposed. I’m your boyfriend, your partner—”

“The love of my life?”

Joshua smiled and kissed his knuckles.

“The love of your life. I’m not just your husband. Do you get me?”

“I hear you, I think I get what you mean. But in practice? What does that mean?”

“Stop calling me your husband.” Joshua’s answer was so quick, Jeonghan blinked and was startled to feel tears welling up behind his eyes.

Stop calling his husband his husband. Okay. Okay, Jeonghan could do that. That didn’t sound like a big ask. 

“Oh-okay. Okay. I can do that.”

“And let me make choices?”

“What? I do? We make choices together? Don’t we? We do?” 

“For big things, we do. And then I do tax and banking and fees. But you do all the little things, all the day to day, I want to do them too.”

“But they’re boring and mundane, you—”

“Jeonghan. I want to do them. When I was with Seungcheol—hear me out.”

Jeonghan nodded, tangling their fingers together tighter.

“I’m listening.”

“Okay. He was happy to be with me, happy to go along with little decisions, like what restaurant we went to, or what wine we drank.”

“I thought you were happy when I chose those things, I thought I was making it easier for you, Joshua why did you never say? I don’t have any attachment to choosing restaurants!” This wasn’t as serious as he had been fearing.

“Don’t just agree with me!” Joshua shouted, pulling away but Jeonghan held fast.

“I’m not, I’m not, I mean, I only started picking places and making day-to-day decisions because you were so busy, you hardly had time to go on dates, let alone pick where to go.”

Nodding, and relaxing, Joshua closed his eyes.

“I want you to like me.”

“I adore you. Joshua, I adore you,” Jeonghan swallowed down the ‘you’re my husband’ and fished for something else that conveyed what that meant for him.

“Before September you were my rock. Sure, we’d had our ups and downs, but really, truly, really truly—Everyone has Corinthians 13 at their wedding. Literally everyone. But we’ve had it in our marriage, and in our relationship—Fr. Thomas says that as long as you can replace ‘love’ with your partner’s name then your relationship is strong, and I can, I always could. And I hope you can do the same with me. I don’t know how else to show you how much I love you, Joshua, I don’t know. I get that the affair was new and probably exciting, but we’ve been together for nearly 31 years, some things just become normal.”

“We didn’t have Corinthians 13 at our wedding.” 

Jeonghan shook his head, “No we didn’t.”

“We had the one about how two are better than one didn’t we?”

“Yeah, Ecclesiastes 4.9.”

“If one of us falls down the other can help us up.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing, Joshua? We’re helping each other up?”

“Yeah—”

“The chord of three strands is supposed to be us and God, not us and Seungcheol, I just—I am yours, you are mine, I’ll try and make you see that more clearly,” Jeonghan yawned, “Can we argue about this in the morning?”

Joshua shook his head and tucked himself back against Jeonghan’s front, greedy for affection now that Jeonghan was willing to give it, and Jeonghan wrapped his arms around him, eyes falling shut, trying to somehow convey how much he cared for him, in spite of it all.

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” Joshua whispered and Jeonghan smiled sleepily. Maybe they’d be okay.

Neither of them fell back asleep, so after about half an hour, Jeonghan rang for hot chocolate, apologising for the hour, and climbed out of bed to soak two washcloths in hot water. He handed one to Joshua, who wiped his face gratefully, before handing it back.

“Do you feel any better?”

Joshua blinked at him slowly, on the edge of falling asleep, but simultaneously nowhere near it. 

“Maybe I do want your name.”

It sounded a bit weird on his tongue, but if that was what he wanted.

“Joshua Yoon. Hmm.”

Joshua blushed and turned his head into the pillows.

“It’s silly.”

“It’s not silly. Unorthodox, sure. But if you want, we can do it.”

There was a knock on their door, and Jeonghan padded over to take the mugs off one of the hotel staff with an apologetic smile and a sincere thanks. 

“Here, have some of this.” Jeonghan eased a mug into Joshua’s hands, waiting until he was sure he had a good grip on it to let go.

“What about Hong-Yoon? Yoon-Hong?”

Joshua shook his head and took a long drink from the mug. 

“This is delicious. No. Yours or mine.”

“Do you really want my name?” It was slightly bizarre, why hadn’t he ever said anything before? There’d been 26 years to want a different name, and it was an issue now?

Shrugging, and leaning forwards when Jeonghan sat down, Joshua didn’t reply. 

“Can I lean against you?”

Jeonghan nodded, lifting his mug up and waiting until Joshua settled against his front to take a sip. 

“You’re right, it’s lovely. Seriously though, do you want to be Joshua Yoon?”

“I don’t know, I don’t,” Joshua wiped his eyes, “I just feel, I don’t know.”

“Okay, okay.” Jeonghan rescued the mug when Joshua seemed to forget it was in his hand and tried to turn into Jeonghan.

“Okay, it’s okay, you’re, we’ll figure this out, okay?” He set his own down on the locker, and wrapped his arms back around Joshua. They were both too tired, that’s what half of this was. 

“Let’s go to sleep.”

  
  


Joshua didn’t bring it up again, and Jeonghan was hesitant to make a big deal out of something he guessed was the product of over-tiredness, but he mentioned it casually the next time they visited Dr. Crispen together. 

“Okay, Joshua? Thoughts?” The doctor scribbled something down on his notepad before looking at Joshua.

Joshua fidgeted. Jeonghan held back a wince, he hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable.

“I only meant...I—I only meant that, that I wanted—I only meant that I wanted more equality in our relationship? That Jeonghan is a little controlling sometimes—”

Jeonghan curled his nails into the seam of his jeans.

“—not in an unhealthy way? Just, sometimes, just that sometimes our marriage is unbalanced a little? That sometimes I feel like I’m a duty and not that—That he loves me because he has to? Because I’m his husband?”

Jeonghan felt like he’d been punched.

“Jeonghan?”

How do you respond to something like that? How could Joshua even _think_ that he only loved him because they were married? How could he even—

“You’ve never said something more wrong in your entire life.”

“Don’t be harsh, Jeonghan.” Charles chastised gently and Jeonghan blushed. He hated this.

“I couldn’t love you more? I love you because I want to? Because I chose to because I physically can’t choose not to? Because loving you is so much a part of me that it may as well be in my DNA? I’m—it hurts that you’d think otherwise.”

Joshua tucked his chin and fiddled with the handle of the coffee mug, he didn’t say anything.

“Joshua? Is that what you think, or is it what you think you should think? From what Jeonghan said, you’ve never mentioned any of this before, as a joke or as a real issue. Is it something you’ve only realised, or is it something that you’ve always felt?”

Joshua didn’t say anything.

“I’m not saying you don’t feel these things. But you don’t have to—”

“People say we’re too dependent, too close, too codependent, too reliant?”

“Who says?” Jeonghan couldn’t think of anyone. In the beginning, they got it a lot, not that they were any closer than straight couples, but for some reason, people had a bigger issue with gay couples. It’s not like they’d ever been very public with their love—necessarily not.

Joshua shrugged, curling more into himself and Jeonghan put his mug down.

“Who says, Joshua?”

“Seungcheol said,” the words came in a whisper that Jeonghan had to strain his ears to hear, “He said you were taking away my individuality.”

Jeonghan looked helplessly at Charles.

“What do you think, Joshua?”

“I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anymore—” sobs burst out of Joshua’s throat and Jeonghan stood, sod this, and sat down beside him, squishing into the armchair and wrapping his arm around him, pressing his cheek to his hair.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, it’s not, it’s not okay—” Joshua pressed his face to Jeonghan’s jumper and in that moment, Jeonghan was angry. Not for himself. For Joshua. How dare someone take away his husband’s confidence and sense of self and knowledge of himself, just for an affair that he had to have known wasn’t going to end with a divorce. 

“Joshua?” Charles’ voice was gentle, “Do you think you can make a list of anything that you’re not sure to be your own thoughts? For next week. And talk to Jeonghan more, okay?”

Joshua nodded.

“Okay, I’m going to step out for a moment, our session is just about finished anyway. Take your time.”

The door closed behind the doctor and Joshua cried harder. Jeonghan didn’t quite know what to do, he’d never seen Joshua so … torn up before. Upset, sure. This was different.

“I can’t, it’s all a tangle of words, Jeonghan, it doesn’t make sense—” 

“What doesn’t make sense?”

“It was my fault, the affair, it was my fault, wasn’t it? It was? Wasn’t it?” Joshua pulled back, eyes wide and Jeonghan looked at him, he didn’t know.

“Well it wasn’t mine?”

“It was only supposed to be once. I—it was only supposed to be once?”

“Okay?”

“I like the way we do things, Hannie? I like it?”

“Okay, that’s okay—”

“No, no it’s not? I hurt you—”

Jeonghan ran his thumb over the back of Joshua’s hand.

“You’re hurting yourself more, I think. We talked about this, you’re not allowed to do that, hm?”

Joshua didn’t answer and Jeonghan pressed his cheek to his hair again, hugging tight.

“Why don’t you do what Charles says and he’ll help you figure out what’s your thoughts and what aren’t. I don’t want to make you think any of them are mine, hm?”

Joshua was uncharacteristically clingy for the next few days, quiet and clingy. But he wrote his lists, and spent hours on the phone with Charles, calling Jeonghan in every now and then to check something from his list that they couldn’t quite pin down, until he had a list of Seungcheol induced thoughts.

Mostly over how a relationship should be.

And not all awful. Jeonghan conceded the scheduling point, that wasn’t necessary and although it was useful, there was no reason why they couldn’t change it up. He also conceded the decision making thing. But the other things? About how their relationship was boring, that Jeonghan just tolerated him, that—and this was a shocker—the kids didn’t love him as much as they loved Jeonghan, and that their marriage was some sort of money thing? They were awful ideas and categorically wrong, and Jeonghan didn’t understand how Seungcheol could even think them.

But the good thing was that Joshua didn’t think them anymore, or at least, knew they weren’t his thoughts, had evidence that they were untrue, felt a little more like he knew what was going on.

It was a relief to head home for the holidays, turn off phones and start family traditions. Jeonghan opened all the cards on Christmas Eve eve. They’d only arrived the day before—of course, the house was dressed, he’d come over to do it a few weeks ago—but the cards were all waiting to be opened. The kids were in their pyjamas, they’d just finished dinner, and Jeonghan took the pile over to the couch. He handed some of them to the kids, recognising the senders by the handwriting, their return address, or the way they wrote Mr Yoon & Mr Hong & Family—Joshua’s Aunt Sarah. Every single year. He handed about twenty with government seals to Joshua and then started to open the rest.

His parents, Seongja and her family; Seokmin; two or three college friends he still swapped cards with; Minghao from work; cousins, aunts, uncles—Seungcheol.

Jeonghan checked the envelope again, ‘Mr & Mr Hong & Family’, okay then. It was generic. 

“Dear Jeonghan, Joshua, Wonwoo and Soonyoung, wishing you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful new year! All the best, Seungcheol.” 

Hm. 

“Appa? Look at this one, isn’t it so delicate?” Wonwoo came over and handed him a small card covered in gold glitter and decorated with a hand sketched deer and some trees. It was delicate.

“It’s lovely. Who is it from?” Jeonghan handed Seungcheol’s card to Joshua and took the card off Wonwoo.

“Yongsun? Is that the lady with the two girls? Who works with Dad?”

“That’s her. Jeonghan did we send her one?”

“Of course, I didn’t alter the list.” 

All the cards ended up in the tree, on the mantelpiece or on one of the windowsills. As they went up to bed, Joshua promised that he hadn’t spoken to him, handed Jeonghan all his tech and Jeonghan believed him. He was tired of doubting him. And after all, Christmas was the season of forgiveness, and Jeonghan had forgiven him. All he needed was for Joshua to forgive himself.

  
  


The kids had reluctantly gone to bed an hour ago, and Jeonghan tiptoed up the stairs to peak in on them. Maybe they did this mostly for themselves, but the illusion of Santa was so pure and magical, and Christmas never felt like Christmas without it.

They were conked out. Soonyoung had his mouth open, flat on his back with the blankets up to his ears and his book still in his hand. Jeonghan placed it gently on the table and turned off everything but the nightlight, closing the door over behind himself as quietly as possible.

Wonwoo was curled around three teddies he insisted he was too old for, and Jeonghan paused in the doorway to hold his chest and bite back the coo that threatened to wake him up. He closed the door instead and made his way back downstairs.

Joshua had brought the toys and gifts in from the coal shed, and had made them both a Baileys hot chocolate. Jeonghan wrapped himself around his husband from behind and squeezed tightly.

“Our kids are too cute, Joshua, Wonwoo is cuddling his teddies, help me—” breaking off to muffle his scream of ‘I can’t, it’s too cute’ into his neck.

Joshua held up the mug and Jeonghan broke away, taking a long pull from it and licking the cream moustache from his top lip.

“Thanks.”

Joshua just smiled and started unpacking the presents.

They arranged them quietly on the two armchairs beside the fireplace. Wonwoo’s on the left, Soonyoung’s on the right. Jeonghan filled their stockings and hung them up on the mantelpiece carefully. Last year one of them had ripped and he’d had to mend it at 3 am, the two of them had been well past tipsy, and giggling trying to thread the needle. It didn’t break this time.

Jeonghan looked around the sitting room and then nodded.

“Do we need to do the reindeer dust and eaten carrot thing this year?”

“Soonyoung likes it.”

“Okay, I’ll get the food, you do the paw prints?” Jeonghan yawned and Joshua beamed, turning to the fireplace and opening the grate to scoop out ashes to mess up their gorgeous white rug with. The things people do for their children. Although, how much of this was for the kids was debatable.

Jeonghan chomped on a carrot and ate half a mince pie, chasing it all down with half a glass of milk, and then brought them through to arrange on a small table. Along with an empty packet of paracetamol. Because poor Santa.

Joshua sank into the couch with a sigh, pouring some Baileys straight into the empty hot chocolate mug and offering the bottle to Jeonghan. He nodded.

Once Joshua had poured their drinks, and Jeonghan had finished the final preparations, and made sure their gifts were under the tree, he hovered in the middle of the room. 

“Come on, love. Come here.” Joshua lifted his mug up out of the way and beckoned Jeonghan over. Jeonghan dithered for a second before saying feck it, it’s Christmas, and sitting into Joshua’s lap, knees up and pressing his forehead to Joshua’s chin. His eyes welled up and Joshua wrapped his arms around him.

“Can you believe—” Jeonghan choked out, “That this is Wonwoo’s sixteenth Christmas?”

Joshua put his mug on the table and hugged Jeonghan tightly.

“And Soonyoung’s 10th?”

Jeonghan nodded, tears slipping down his cheeks, Christmas was special. Always had been, from the first Christmas after they’d brought Wonwoo home, when he was too small to sit up properly, too small to do anything other than be upset that neither Jeonghan nor Joshua was his mother, couldn’t feed him properly, didn’t smell right or sound right. When they’d spend the entire day crying because he couldn’t stop crying. The Christmas after they adopted Soonyoung, when he was sick and Joshua was sick and Jeonghan and Wonwoo tried to cheer them both up. To the Christmases since, when they’d been woken up obscenely early, Jeonghan still wrapped up in Joshua, by bouncing screaming excited children. To when Jeonghan had had the worst cold ever and couldn’t hear properly, when his dinner had tasted like sawdust, but how Soonyoung’s face when Jeonghan had unwrapped his present had made up for each ache and pain. And now, to a Christmas that looked fundamentally unchanged but felt so different.

Joshua kissed his forehead, his 3 am shadow tickling his skin. Jeonghan nestled closed and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Did you know,” Joshua started, voice low like a storyteller, warm like Christmas lights, “that I first knew I loved you at Christmas?”

Jeonghan shook his head. He hadn’t heard this one.

“You’d fallen asleep on me, and one of my baby cousins had fallen asleep on you, and my aunts were teasing me, saying we’d have beautiful children, and that you’d be a brilliant father, and then you woke up, smiled, caught Hyerin from falling off your lap, and leaned up for a kiss. And I knew that I just had to marry you. Knew that I was absolutely in love.”

“Just like that?”

“I mean, there were other things, but that was when it hit me.” Joshua was slowly smoothing out Jeonghan’s hair, his hand warm and heavy.

“And now?”

“Sometimes you do something—”

“Like climb into your lap and burst into tears?”

“Like love our children so completely you explode a little. And I just think how lucky I am to have married the man of my dreams. And how lucky I am that he kept me. And let me keep him.”

Jeonghan would later blame it on the Baileys. He’d blame it on exhaustion and a deep gnawing melancholy for their pre-disaster life. But right then, he didn’t think about it at all. Didn’t even pause to think what he was doing. Just leaned up and caught Joshua’s lips in a kiss. In a kiss that lasted a fraction of seconds but meant the world to both of them. Even though Jeonghan’s tears tinged it with salt, and Joshua’s arm cramped behind Jeonghan, none of that mattered. 

They broke apart and Jeonghan licked his lips, catching all the tears, and laughed helplessly. Joshua thumbed the tears away and kissed his forehead.

“Love you.”

Jeonghan nodded and wrapped his arms around him, pressing close.

“Love you.”

“Let’s go to bed, hm? Maybe the kids will stay asleep until 7.”

Jeonghan reluctantly pulled away, let Joshua stand and get rid of their mugs. He smothered the fire, and resettled the fender, stepping carefully over the hoof prints and turning off the lights.

They woke up curled tightly together and Jeonghan relaxed. 

“Merry Christmas.”

Joshua hummed and hugged Jeonghan tighter.

“Merry Christmas.”

The kids burst through the door and Soonyoung jumped on the bed.

“Daddy! Appa! It’s Christmas!!!! You have to get up!! We have to go downstairs!!! Do you have your camera? Let’s go!!! Let’s go!!!”

Jeonghan looked at Wonwoo, he was standing by the bed, house coat wrapped tightly around himself, face creased with sleep.

“He woke me up an hour ago.”

“We’d better get up then! Thank you sweetheart.” Jeonghan pulled him close to kiss his cheeks.

“Happy Christmas, Appa.”

Fr. Thomas was overjoyed to see them hand in hand, bestowing his Christmas wishes upon them, and reminding them that his door was open and his phone number easily accessible.

“Do call. I know you may not think you need it, but I can assure you, it will be more valuable to you than you think.”

They went to Joshua’s parents for Christmas dinner, accepting hugs and presents and kisses and food and hugs and more hugs and finally settling down in front of the TV to watch It’s A Wonderful Life. Jeonghan and Joshua squeezed into one of the armchairs like they normally did, and the kids fell asleep, like they normally did, and Joshua’s father handed all of them mugs of spiked hot chocolate, like he normally did.

It was perfect.

Soonyoung crept into their bed that night, squeezing in between Jeonghan and Joshua before Jeonghan woke up enough to realise there was a child in their bed.

“Baby? Soonyoungie?”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Daddy?”

Joshua hummed blearily, and hugged Soonyoung close to his chest.

"Daddy?"

“I love you too.” Joshua mumbled and Soonyoung nodded.

“Happy Christmas.”

“Everything okay?” Jeonghan took Soonyoung’s hand and shifted closer, tucking the duvet under his back to keep in the warmth.

“Yeah.”

“Go sleep now, baby.”

"Can I have a Christmas wish?" Soonyoung mumbled into the pillow and Jeonghan hummed.

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Can you both stay? I don't want to forget you."

"Forget us?"

"Like in the film, when the bells ring for the angels." Soonyoung gripped Jeonghan's hand tighter and Joshua opened his eyes.

"That's just a film, neither of us are going anywhere."

"But but the daddy went away and the angel came and he didn't know anyone."

"That's not going to happen love?" Jeonghan brushed tears off Soonyoung's cheek softly. What was he thinking about?

"But he didn't think he was loved?"

"You're very loved, darling."

"I know I'm loved! I love you."

"Okay, we love you too."

"But do you love Daddy?!" 

Jeonghan stared at Soonyoung, "What? Of course I love your daddy. I thought we told you not to worry about that, hm? Listen to appa."

"But, but–"

Joshua kissed his cheek, "There's nothing to worry about. Neither of us are going anywhere, yeah? Not like the film. We're both going to stay right here with you, yeah?"

"No angels?" Soonyoung yawned.

"No angels, baby. Now, come on, it's very late. Time for Soonyoungs to be asleep, yeah?"

"Stay?"

"Yeah, baby, we're not going anywhere." Jeonghan squished closer and smoothed Soonyoung's hair down. 

Joshua looked at him over Soonyoung's head and mouthed something about a nightmare and Jeonghan nodded. Their kids were too perceptive. This couldn't keep going on, for all of their sake's they had to put everything firmly in the past and move on. Throw it out with the old year.


	6. Partition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to skip ~romantic moments~ skip from [Joshua was reading].
> 
> Enjoy~

Take all  
Of me  
I just wanna be the girl you like, girl you like

After the holidays it became incredibly easy for Jeonghan to forget there was an issue. Going for walks, watching films, the move to D.C—Jeonghan had other things on his mind.

Joshua, however—

Jeonghan swept through the senate building, nodding and smiling to anyone he vaguely recognised, but pretending to be on the phone because he really didn’t want to get caught in a conversation. It was nearly 9 pm. This was ridiculous. He nodded at Joshua's new Senate secretary and knocked once on the door before pushing it open.

“Joshua, come home.”

“Jeonghan? What are you doing here?”

“It’s nearly 9, you promised me you’d be home by 7–” Jeonghan closed the door behind him with a click and dropped his bag– “It’s nearly 9. What are you doing?”

Joshua dropped his head into his hands and after two seconds, his shoulders started to shake and Jeonghan went cold. What had happened? What was going on?

“Honey? Hey, what is it–” Jeonghan crossed the room quickly and turned Joshua’s chair around– “Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m sorry.”

“About what? What happened?”

“I can’t do this, it’s too much, I’m disappointing everyone—”

“Don’t be so silly. Your staff are fantastic, you’ve been working for this your entire life, of course you can do it.”

Joshua shook his head and finally pulled his hands away from his face. He was crying. Jeonghan pulled out his handkerchief and pressed it into his hands.

“You’re exhausted.”

“I’m not,” Joshua shook his head, wiping his face, “I’m not, I just, I need a few more hours.”

“No, you don’t. You need sleep. Have you even eaten?”

“I think I had lunch?”

“Joshua,” Jeonghan sighed, “Come on, come home. Have dinner, let me try rub a knot out of your shoulders, and then you can work. From bed. If you need to, but I don’t think you do. Please come home.”

Joshua blew his nose and dragged a hand across his face.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Joshua apologised so much these days, Jeonghan wasn’t sure if he even knew what he was apologising for. 

“I’m sorry, I really am, I keep, I keep messing this up for you—”

Jeonghan shushed him gently and stood up, they were going in circles.

“Let’s go home.” He looked at Joshua careful to keep the worry and confusion out of his own face. He just wanted his husband home, safe, near. Something was eating him up, he wasn’t sleeping, hardly eating, and Jeonghan couldn’t let himself think anything bad. Couldn’t entertain the notion that it was something else major, just worried for Joshua instead.

The drive home was quiet, and Joshua absently kissed his hand when he set dinner in front of him, digging in with a single minded determination that only made Jeonghan worry more. He took the seat kitty corner to him and nursed his glass of wine in silence for the time it took Joshua to finish eating. 

“Shua?”

Joshua looked up, setting his knife and fork on the centre of the plate.

“Dinner was lovely.”

“Thanks,” Jeonghan bit his lip, “Is everything alright? It’s just—” he hurried when Joshua opened his mouth, “It’s just that you’ve been, well you’ve been really upset lately. Is everything okay?”

Joshua swallowed and looked down, pressing his left hand briefly to his neck, where his tie usually was, before pulling it back into his lap and scrunching his trousers.

“I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Seungcheol.”

“Joshua?”

“I didn’t lie. I didn’t lie, I’ve never—I’ve never lied to you, Jeonghan—”

Jeonghan put his wine glass down and reached for Joshua’s hand, turning his palm over and waiting for Joshua to lay his own on top of it.

“Okay.”

“I’m scared he’ll publish an interview.”

“He won’t.”

Joshua looked up, “How do you know that?”

“He’s Wonwoo’s godfather and that would destroy him.”

“But what if he does?”

“He won’t, Shua.”

“And if he does?”

“We’ll deal with it then.” 

Joshua nodded.

“Do you still have to work? There’s a TV thing starting—”

“I have so much to do.”

“Okay, okay,” Jeonghan gripped Joshua’s hand, “Massage?”

Joshua looked at him slowly, searching his face, uncharacteristically solemn.

“Please?”

“Of course. Come on, let’s get you feeling better, hm?”

Joshua went back to work after Jeonghan worked the knots out of his shoulder, sitting up in bed with a heat pad on his neck and a mug of hot chocolate at his elbow. Jeonghan was reading beside him, something Seokmin had recommended—they were reconciling—but as the minutes slipped into hours, he put it down and turned off his nightlight.

“Shua, are you nearly done?”

Joshua looked down at him over his file.

“Just a bit longer, I can go into the sitting room—”

“No, no, stay. Night.”

“Sleep well.”

Jeonghan hummed, curling towards him a little and tugging the duvet up high over his shoulder. 

Sleep came quickly.

Despite Joshua’s worst fears, Seungcheol didn’t do or say anything. His contact with Wonwoo was barely existent and his social media was full of scenic landscapes and sky scenes. But in the end, it wasn’t Seungcheol that ran an exposé, it was a volunteer from the campaign who spoke to the press. Someone who had heard Joshua tell Jeonghan he’d cheated, their conversation printed nearly word for word in an article, in stark black and white with a lowbrow headline. 

Jeonghan was incensed. 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DID THAT!” Jeonghan greeted Joshua when he arrived in the hall, carrying several bags and looking like he was about to cry.

“Love, I’m sorry, I—”

“You don’t have to apologise, you’re not the piece of crap who wrote it, how dare they?” Jeonghan fluttered in front of him but when Joshua dropped his bags, Jeonghan stepped back. Joshua would just calm him down and he wanted to be mad.

“I’ve had Amy draft a letter to the editor, how dare that journalist write any of those things? And the headline—”

Joshua winced.

“—The Hong that thought with his Dong? Couldn’t they have been the slightest bit more imaginative? Couldn’t they have done anything else? What sort of lowbrow pathetic piece of attention grabbing journalist wrote that line? And what volunteer got their kicks out of that?”

Joshua didn’t look like he was really sure what to do and Jeonghan pinned him with a look and pointed towards the couch.

“Stay there.”

He made a mug of tea with quiet fury and brought it back in, practically forcing it into his hands, sitting beside him with a huff and practically vibrating with frustration.

Joshua’s phone rang and he answered it.

“Hi Sweetheart—”

Jeonghan plucked the phone from his hand.

“This is your Appa. Don't you dare read those papers, how dare they? This is our life, if I've forgiven your father then everyone else should too. How dare they. You're loved, we adore you, we're not getting divorced." He handed the phone back to Joshua, ignoring his expression and returned to the kitchen. He needed to do something with his hands to stop himself punching things.

Pizza dough.

Punching dough was incredibly therapeutic, and if Jeonghan muttered death threats under his breath the entire time and imagined the dough was the reporter’s face then that was his own business. 

Then he chopped an entire basket full of chips, bringing the knife down over and over with a ferocity that was starting to startle himself, until he’d chopped all the potatoes—and sweet potatoes—that they had in the kitchen.

He whisked some meringues by hand, beating stiff peaks into the egg whites and sugar and spooning them onto baking sheets before practically throwing them into the remaining oven and taking out another cookbook to find something else to make.

Jeonghan stilled when Joshua put his hands on his hips, gently at first as if he was afraid he would bite him, and then firmly, easing him back towards his chest. “Darling, it’s okay.”

It really wasn’t. Jeonghan shook his head.

"It's not okay, how can you say that they're being cruel to you?"

Joshua pressed his lips to the back of Jeonghan’s head.

"I know, I know, but I can take it, it's okay." 

“It’s not okay, they don’t have the right to say that—” The sob that followed surprised Jeonghan and he cut himself off.

“Darling, it’s water off the duck's back. I promise I’m okay. The press does what it wants,” he smoothed his thumbs over Jeonghan’s hip bones, “As long as you’re beside me, I can do anything. As long as you’re here, I don’t care what they write.”

Jeonghan turned and pressed his face in the crook of Joshua’s neck.

“I care.”

“I know you do, and that’s why I love you–” One of Jeonghan’s timers went off, “–and we can write an angry letter after you take whatever that is out of the oven, hm?”

“I made pizza. And chips. And meringues, there’s egg yolks if you want to do something with them tomorrow? I was going to start a soup or something, I sort of want to hit things.” Jeonghan blushed, putting on his oven gloves and opening the oven. He didn’t want to see Joshua’s face.

“The pen is mightier than the sword. What about chocolate, wine and Grand Designs?”

He was right, Joshua’s face was that mix of amused and touched that Jeonghan’s frantic baking always seemed to inspire. 

“Will you make quiche tomorrow? Or custard?”

“Whatever you want.”

If Jeonghan smiled into his pizza and cuddled into Joshua in front of architecture television, a box of chocolates being quickly demolished between them, then that was his own business. If Joshua asked quietly if Jeonghan had meant it when he said he forgave him, and if Jeonghan turned and tilted his head up to kiss him softly before whispering that he absolutely did and he loved him and that this was the start of a new chapter, then that was their business. If they fell asleep on the couch after a bottle of wine, that was their own business. And if the newspaper in question received a politely worded letter of hatred the following day, then that was nothing to do with them.

  
  
  


Jeonghan woke up slowly, languidly, eyelids fluttering for several seconds before he blinked himself awake. He was in a patch of sunlight, Joshua must have opened the curtains. It was a … Saturday? He rolled over onto his side and patted Joshua’s empty side of the bed. Cold sheets. 

The toilet flushed and Joshua came out of their en suite, hair wet, towel tied around his waist, sunlight bouncing off him. Jeonghan blinked slowly. 

“Good morning, love.”

“Morning,” Jeonghan’s lips curved into a smile, “You’re up early?”

“You’re up late. It’s nearly 11.”

Jeonghan hummed, closing his eyes and stretching with a yawn.

“Come back to bed?”

Joshua didn’t say anything and Jeonghan opened his eyes again, blinking up at him. Joshua had an odd expression on his face and Jeonghan tried not to pout, but he was half-asleep.

“Please?”

“I’m going to make breakfast. What do you want?” Joshua shook his head and stepped over to the wardrobe. Jeonghan turned to watch him, Joshua’d taken up going running. And initially Jeonghan had been sceptical, but he was already starting to look more toned—Jeonghan swallowed.

“Hannie? What do you want for breakfast?”

Jeonghan sat up. That was quite enough of that.

“Scrambled eggs and toast?”

  
  


Joshua was reading, glasses perched low on his nose and a glass of wine at his elbow. Jeonghan leaned against the door, looking, drinking him up. He—two months ago he wouldn’t have said that he’d be able to think of Joshua like this again, but that had been two months ago. Maybe it was the time. 

Joshua looked up.

“You okay?”

“What are you reading?”

“Just finishing up actually. It’s a proposal for a bill against senior fraud. It’s going to pass.”

“You’re done?” Jeonghan asked, pushing off the door frame and crossing the room. When Joshua nodded, he kneeled onto the couch and waited for Joshua to put the paper down.

“Jeonghan, what are you doing?”

“Can I kiss you?” 

“Can you wait a second? I really want to finish this—” Jeonghan went to move but Joshua wrapped an arm around his waist, “—no, you can stay. Stay, love.”

Oh. Jeonghan exhaled and then shifted until he could lean against him. Sitting sideways in his lap and leaning against his shoulder. Somehow being ignored in favour of finishing a bill and half a glass of wine was more arousing than it should be. Jeonghan could feel the heat from Joshua’s hand bleeding through the thin fabric of his shirt, and smell the wine mixed with Joshua’s cologne, faint as it was from that morning—familiar. They’d kissed, months ago, on Christmas eve, and somehow Jeonghan hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. It hadn’t been anything other than nostalgia and heartache but it had been the closest they’d been in weeks. Months. 

Some part of Jeonghan—a bigger part than he’d like to admit—thought that Joshua wouldn’t ever want to have sex with him again. And initially that had been fine, because the thoughts of it had made Jeonghan wince. But now? What if he wasn’t as good as Seungcheol? What if that was why he’d—

The sound of the bill thudding onto the side table brought Jeonghan out of his spiral. Joshua’s fingers pressed against his skin and the heat that had been simmering for most of the day lit Jeonghan up from the inside. Joshua turned and kissed him. 

It was different.

Jeonghan scrambled to grip onto Joshua’s shoulder, needing something to anchor him because the kiss wasn’t doing that.  _ I just wanted something that was mine.  _ Was this what he’d meant? Because—

Joshua pulled back and Jeonghan gasped, eyelashes fluttering in time with his heartbeat. Joshua petted his cheek.

“Shua?” Jeonghan’s voice shouldn’t be that wrecked from a kiss but he was still gasping for air and he hardly got his breath back before Joshua’s lips were back on his, hand cradling the back of his head, and tongue sweeping incessantly against Jeonghan’s own. He kissed back, of course he did, wrapping his arm around Joshua’s shoulder to give himself leverage, but not gaining any, having to break away to press his face against Joshua’s shoulder to breathe for a few seconds.

“Shua?”

Joshua laughed, chest shaking, and pushed at Jeonghan’s hips until he kneeled up enough for Joshua to pull him back down to straddle his lap.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know?”

“Bad I don’t know or good I don’t know?”

Jeonghan kissed Joshua’s neck gently before leaning back onto his legs. He licked his lips. 

“You’re different.”

“Yeah.”

Jeonghan nodded. 

“This is stupid, but you’re still attracted to me? I know I’m not—”

Joshua pulled him even closer and kissed him slowly. Well that cleared that up. "'Course I am."

“I don’t know what you want me to do?”

“Do you need to?”

Did he need to? Jeonghan ran his eyes over Joshua’s face, but all he got was love and affection and desire. 

“No?”

Joshua’s grip on his waist tightened and then eased. 

“Okay love, we’re not having sex today. Just kissing. Okay?”

Jeonghan nodded.

“Do you want me to stay here?” Jeonghan felt wrong footed, but Joshua just hummed and rubbed his lower back soothingly.

“Are you comfortable?”

Jeonghan nodded, spreading his knees wider and wiggling his toes before leaning close enough to bump noses. He didn’t know what Joshua wanted. 

“Stop thinking,” Joshua whispered, kissing the corner of his mouth, “It’s just you and me, and we’re just kissing. Relax, baby.”

Jeonghan was trying. This was not how he’d expected it to go. He’d expected—

Joshua kissed him again, first just a press of lips on lips and then more. Intoxicating. He was intoxicated, he wondered—

“Jeonghan, stop thinking.”

Joshua’s hands were heavy on his hips and Jeonghan couldn’t quite stop himself from fidgeting, pressing close, looking for friction—

“Jeonghan, stop.”

Joshua was just licking at the seam of his lips, gentle, reassuring, Jeonghan hummed and relaxed into it, this was familiar. The kiss gently got more intense, less familiar, but Jeonghan was just concentrating on tiny snatched breaths every time Joshua pulled back, past concentrating on anything else. Just totally preoccupied with Joshua, his hands, his lips, the heat of his body, that scent that was uniquely Joshua—Joshua nipped his lips and Jeonghan gasped. This was—

“Just like that baby, trust me.”

Jeonghan hid his face in Joshua’s neck, embarrassed. Joshua’s shoulders were shaking slightly in amusement but Jeonghan didn’t care. He rubbed circles into Jeonghan’s lower back, probably supposed to be soothing, but it was all Jeonghan could do not to buck forward and grind into him. He hissed out his breath and tried to relax. Why was he so riled up? From a kiss.

“You’re so pretty like this, baby. On a hair trigger, hm? So pretty for me.”

Jeonghan turned to kiss him, frantic, and Joshua easily calmed it down, cradling Jeonghan, holding him tight, just, being perfect. Everything Jeonghan had known and hadn't known he wanted.

Joshua kissed his nose and pulled Jeonghan closer and Jeonghan whined, clamping his lips down around the sound and blushing, going to hide his face back in Joshua’s shoulder but Joshua just caught his chin with two fingers, gentle, and kissed him again, steady, heady—Jeonghan rocked slightly and whined high and breathy into Joshua’s mouth. He had no idea what had come over him. Joshua nipped his lips again and Jeonghan trembled, shaking. He pulled back, pressing a finger to Joshua’s lips.

“We’re gonna have to stop if you mean no sex tonight.”

Joshua just laughed and kissed his fingers.

“You’re cute.”

Jeonghan shook his head and slipped off to cuddle into him instead.

“Shua, stop, I can’t.”

“Sorry love, you’re just too precious sometimes. Who knew you had a biting thing?”

Jeonghan flicked him.

“When did you get like this?”

“Like what?”

“You’re very,” Jeonghan closed his eyes and tried to find a word, “I don’t know. Intense? Overpowering?”

“Good thing or a bad thing?”

“It’s not bad.”

“No?” Joshua swivelled into the corner of the couch and Jeonghan squeezed himself into the space beside him, interlacing their fingers, contemplative.

“Is this what you meant?”

“Hm?”

“When you said you wanted something for yourself? Was it—” Jeonghan cut himself off and Joshua hummed encouragingly.

“Was it what?”

“Sexual, was it sexual?”

Joshua didn’t say anything for a moment and Jeonghan turned to look at him.

“Shua?” 

“I don’t know, baby.”

“You’re really intense right now, I don’t know how to do what you want.”

“What do you want?”

“To make you happy.”

“You do.”

“Promise?”

Joshua nodded, leaning to kiss him.

“As God is my witness.”

After that, the next few weeks felt like they were teenagers again. With the kids away at school, every evening seemed to end the same way. Cuddling on the couch. Kissing on the couch. Showers went cold, and dinners ended up burnt. Jeonghan’s lips were half bitten through and every time he touched them he shivered. It wasn’t exactly conducive to concentration in online meetings, but it was—it was reassuring. 

Time and distance and abstinence had, if anything, fuelled the flames that had always been there. Tie that to the fact that Tuesday Sex Days were now banned, Jeonghan had no clue what to expect on a daily basis—something that seemed to make Joshua endlessly pleased.

And it wasn’t harmful, so Jeonghan let it go.

He ended up with a lot more anticipation than he’d planned for, and contrary to any ideas he may have had about once they started kissing again it would quickly go further, Joshua seemed to be trying to see how much exactly he could get away with before Jeonghan got fed up and flat out asked for sex.

And if Jeonghan was going to be honest with himself, he thought as he typed out an email to one of his colleagues with a harsh tension that wasn’t exactly unexpected at a quarter to eight on a Thursday evening, he was one evening of ‘not tonight, baby’ away from begging.

And he didn’t beg.

So when the next night’s ‘we’ll just watch one episode’ turned into two, turned into Jeonghan somehow cradled in the v of Joshua’s body, turned into kissing, turned into a string of half bitten back pleases, turned into Joshua laughing gently and turning them so Jeonghan was reclining back against him and they were again, watching the TV, Jeonghan pulled away.

“I’m going to have a shower. Let’s finish that another night.”

Joshua looked up at him, all innocence and devilry.

“You okay?”

“Fine. Tired.”

“Okay. I have to finish something for work, don’t wait up for me.”

Don’t wait up for him? Jeonghan turned the shower on cold and muttered curses under his breath. Goddamn it what were they doing?

He dressed slowly and pulled on a fluffy robe, slipping his feet into slippers with a yawn and padded out to find Joshua. He was done playing along.

Joshua was indeed in the middle of a reading, and Jeonghan plucked it out of his hands and put it on the table.

“Joshua, I don’t know what you’re doing, but please can we do more than kiss. I want you. I want to know you want me. I just want to have sex, goddamn it. I don’t care what we do as long as it’s familiar and—” Jeonghan cut himself off and bit his lip. 

Joshua tugged him down, balancing him on his knees.

“You want sex?”

“Yes, please, it’s been so long.”

Joshua looked at him with that half smirk that Jeonghan found so—

“I know you’ve come back to me with new tastes. And I don’t mind exploring them? But can we just do what we used to do?”

“Do you want to top?”

“I don’t care, Shua, I don’t care, I just—it’s been ages since we started kissing again and I don’t know what more you want from me, we’re already married? Can we just—”

“Okay,” Joshua soothed, hands on Jeonghan’s sides, “Okay, okay, relax, stop getting all worked up about it, hm? We can have sex.”

Jeonghan nodded a few times.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah.”

Jeonghan nodded again and cradled Joshua’s jaw in his hands, kissing him slowly, gently. Kissing him like they used to kiss. Tender and gentle and mostly chaste. Slow, but not boring. Gentle but not tentative. Chaste—mostly because Jeonghan wasn’t normally a big fan of tongue. It wasn’t that he’d forgotten how to do this, although Joshua’s slowly tightening grip on his hips was suggesting otherwise, he was just taking his time. Doing things  _ his _ way. 

Joshua stood up and Jeonghan screeched—but Joshua had him.

“Shua, what are you doing?”

“Just go with it?”

“Tell me what you’re doing.”

“Bedroom, honey—”

Jeonghan grumbled but settled and kissed him again, legs wrapped around Joshua’s waist tightly, clinging like he was going to be dropped—not that Joshua had  _ ever _ dropped him—but returning to his gentle, slow kissing.

They ended up on the bed, kissing, Jeonghan steady on Joshua’s lap, caught between his thighs and his torso, close as close could be.

Normal.

Regular.

Familiar.

They were so close that when Jeonghan eventually sank down onto Joshua, he hardly moved, just sighed and kissed Joshua before pressing his face against his neck.

“Okay?”

“Give me a second.” He’d missed this. Missed being as physically close as two people could be, missed being reassured so completely, held so gently, cherished so thoroughly. Tears pricked the sides of his eyes and he closed his eyes against their sting.

Joshua rubbed his lower back and drew his knees up higher, bringing Jeonghan closer. He touched his cheek.

“Baby?”

“I missed you,” Jeonghan managed, leaning into Joshua’s hand, relaxing and sighing as Joshua seemed to get impossibly deeper. “I just, sex is soothing.”

Joshua kissed him and then kissed his eyelids, kissed his cheeks, kissed his nose.

Jeonghan rocked a little, tiny moans slipping free and Joshua returned to his lips to drink them up.

It wasn’t the most energetic or acrobatic sex they’d ever had. And the jury was potentially out on whether it was sex at all as opposed to just really intimate cuddling. But it was grounding. Steadying. Jeonghan felt, more than ever, cherished, cared for, protected.

“Stay—” Jeonghan whispered when Joshua moved as if to slip out.

“Baby?”

“Just, stay, please.” 

“We need to clean up.”

“Just, just a moment?” Jeonghan needed a few seconds. But he agreed, clean up was necessary, and he wanted water too. 

Joshua huffed and kissed his ear.

“Okay, just a moment.”

Everything relaxed after that. Jeonghan stopped doubting Joshua’s attraction, Joshua stopped teasing—as much—and they did some exploration. Mostly things that Jeonghan didn’t like, but some he did, and a marriage is all about compromise. Compromise, communication and a decent mattress. 


	7. If I Ain't Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And exhale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's a bit fragmented but she's also a bit of an epilogue.  
> Thanks for coming on this journey with me, I've loved your collective reactions and feedback.  
> All my love,  
> Rose x

_If I ain't got you with me, baby, oh, ooh_   
_Said nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing_   
_If I ain't got you with me, baby_

Jeonghan was shopping for the kids, they had sent him a list of clothing items they needed, stationary things they wanted, books— you name it. Joshua was making up food parcels of all their favourites and Jeonghan had been handed a list. He flitted from shop to shop, buying bits here and there, making numerous trips back to the car park to unload, and he was just about to step into the bookshop when someone called his name. He turned slowly—Oh.

“Jeonghan? Hi, how are you?” Seungcheol of all people popped his head out of a _Claire’s_ and waved at him.

Jeonghan blinked, he couldn’t run now could he. He walked back slowly, what was he supposed to say to this man?

“Excellent, thank you. We moved into an apartment on the lawn, brilliant views. How is life treating you? Work still bringing you everywhere and anywhere?”

Seungcheol raised two packets of earrings.

“Oh that’s nice. Yeah, I’m here for the moment. What do you think?” One was a set of silver hoops and quite… tacky. The other was a pair of tiny Scottie dog studs.

“The dogs are pretty. Birthday gift?”

“Yeah, my partner’s eldest daughter. I think the hoops. How are the boys?” Seungcheol hung the earrings back on the shelf and turned to Jeonghan fully, clearly gearing up for a proper conversation and Jeonghan resigned himself to ten minutes of awkward one-upmanship. A partner. Really.

“They’re good. Wonwoo made the debate team again, the final is in two weeks, and he’s excited. Soonyoung started dancing, his teachers love him.”

“Work, you know, takes me everywhere. Plus, Chan lives here, so I get to see him more frequently.”

Oh, a male partner. Interesting.

“How is Joshua settling into the new job?”

“Perfectly well, thank you.” Jeonghan pricked and gripped the trolley a little tighter.

Seungcheol smirked in amusement.

“Don’t worry, I won’t talk to the press. I got your message loud and clear although I have to say that I’m surprised he’s still with you, honestly.”

“That I’m still with him? The father of my—”

“They’re adopted Jeonghan, don’t give me that.”

“How dare you—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Seungcheol waved his hand, “Save me. No, I’m surprised he stayed.”

“Oh you mean after all those lies you had him believe about how I’m controlling–” Jeonghan raised an eyebrow– “how the children love me more, how he just should leave us all? Our therapist pulled them all apart, crushed them all. How dare you tell him such lies?”

“Lies? Is that what you have him thinking? I only opened his eyes to the realities, Jeonghan.”

“Of what?”

“Your little Machiavellian schemes.”

“My what?” Jeonghan laughed, “What? Seungcheol you were our _friend._ ”

“Exactly.”

Jeonghan stared at him and shook his head, pushing the trolley sharply away from the shop.

“You’re such a bitch!” Seungcheol called after him and Jeonghan inhaled, speed walking away into a café and taking a mocha right to the very back corner. Oh good heavens.

He scalded his mouth on the coffee—like always—and rang Joshua.

“You’ll never guess who I just met.”

“ _Who? Is everything okay?”_

“Seungcheol.”

“ _What? In DC?”_

“Yeah, he was buying something for his _boyfriend_ _’s_ daughter. Travels for work apparently.”

“ _Really? Are you okay?”_

“Yeah, he kept smirking at me, but I’m okay. Having a mocha.”

“ _Do you want to meet for lunch?”_

“Please? I’m just—”

_“Unsettled? Of course, what about that place by the lake with the swans? I’ll meet you for three thirty?”_

“Fantastic. How’s work?” Jeonghan fiddled with the napkin.

_“Good, just finishing up this brief. Look, if you get there before me, order me a grilled sandwich? Something with cheese and tomatoes, I’m not too fussy.”_

“Of course. See you later.”

_“Love you.”_

“Love you too.”

  
  


Their last official session with Dr. Crispen was that Friday, and he started it by getting them to write out lists of things they felt they’d worked on, still had to work on, or hadn’t touched on at all. And, Jeonghan wouldn’t be honest if he didn’t say that he was incredibly proud of them, and of the fact that both of their lists had an empty column for ‘untouched’ and a short list for ‘to be improved’.

Dr. Crispen was pretty pleased with both of them.

“I’m so glad you’ve both come to know both yourselves and each other a little better. You both seem to be able to see things from each other’s point of view a lot easier, and I’m happy that you can go forth on your own. Of course, if you, either of you, feel the need, you know where I am.”

“Jeonghan bumped into Seungcheol on Tuesday,” Joshua started, eyes flicking over to him as Dr. Crispen leaned forward, “He said some nasty things. Mainly about Jeonghan. The same stuff. How he’s controlling, asking why I stayed with him, calling him manipulative.”

“Oh? And Jeonghan, how did you feel?”

“Attacked, I suppose. But not at the same time. Like he was talking empty words.”

“Well, in essence, he is. You both know the truth of your marriage, and to be quite honest, you’re the only people who need to know. So brush it off. Hold your heads high. You’ve both done something quite difficult and you should both be relatively proud of your progress. Honesty and clarity and transparency. Remember?”

They nodded. Words to live by.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jeonghan stepped out of the car, slipping his hand into Joshua’s as they walked up the lamplit entrance path to the large ballroom. The apparently fun side of the Senator experience. Jeonghan squeezed Joshua’s hand tighter, sure he’d been to these things before but it felt different tonight. Felt more… important.

“Baby? You’re crushing my hand. Relax.” Joshua murmured, turning to press his lips to his forehead quickly, and Jeonghan relaxed his grip. Important ball. Relax. Play nice.

They were handed flutes of champagne the moment they walked into the room, and Jeonghan sipped gratefully at his, leaning against Joshua’s side and trying to find a face that he recognised in the crowd. He didn’t.

Joshua knew most people, or they knew him, and Jeonghan smiled politely and answered questions and stayed pressed against Joshua’s side.

“Senator Hong! And Mr. Hong, so pleased to meet you, I’ve heard so much!” A tall woman in a fit and flare formal dress embroidered with tiny little daggers touched his shoulder and grinned at them both.

“Senator Wen!”

“None of that, Joshua, it’s June, how many times do I have to tell you that? Have you met my husband? This is Yanan. Yanan, Joshua and Jeonghan Hong.”

“Pleasure to meet you both,” Yanan smiled and while they quickly fell into discussing something that June was thinking about introducing to the floor, Jeonghan and Yanan ended up chatting about kids and their businesses and holidays, and quickly finding out that they both had Minghao in common and that Yanan and June were thinking about sending their kids to a boarding school.

“It’s fine. But it’s really hard to stay up-to-date? Especially with little things like friends or teachers, even when you ring daily, and we do, but things slip through the cracks and snowball. If you can keep them where you can see them every day, do it.”

“But surely it’s better for them to have stability?”

“Yeah. It is, absolutely. But it’s a payoff for the knowledge.”

“That’s a fair point. We’ll add it to our list of considerations, thanks. How are you finding the senator thing so far?”

“A bit hectic?”

Yanan nodded, “It’ll take a while. This is June’s second term, and I think it took me a good year if not two, to be honest. To get used to the schedule.”

“That’s a relief,” Jeonghan laughed and turned to put his glass on a passing tray. “I was worried it was just me.”

“No, not at all. And these things get easier too. You’ll get to know people. You two should come over for dinner in a few weeks. We do a dinner club with a few couples every month, we’ll make a party out of it.”

“That sounds lovely, really. I’m lucky my work is mobile but it does mean I spend more time in the apartment than anywhere else, I keep meaning to go and join things but—” Jeonghan gestured, trying to find the words for ‘I don’t want the looks if I join a photography class’ or ‘book clubs seem like they’re invasive now’, but Yanan just nodded in understanding.

“I get you. No, you two come over for dinner and we’ll introduce you to our friends. They’re gonna love you both.” Yanan said decisively and Jeonghan smiled. Joshua wrapped his arm back around his waist as Jun returned to Yanan’s side. The music had changed.

“Want to dance?” 

Jeonghan laughed, they couldn’t dance. “Sure.”

Despite the fact that neither Jeonghan nor Joshua had a musical bone between them, they managed to sway mostly in time with the music, watching as June and Yanan whirled around the floor at speed, June’s skirt spinning with every turn. It would be nice to be able to dance like that, but they both knew that that would never be them.

“Remember that dance class we took for our wedding?” Joshua asked and Jeonghan laughed.

“The one where she said she’d have better luck teaching a cat how to swim?”

“Yeah. Rude.”

“Remember the class your mom made us take before your parent’s vow renewal?”

Joshua huffed and spun Jeonghan— or more accurately, tried to spin him but then they sort of got twisted around each other and burst into laughter. 

“Pretty much just like that, Shua.”

Joshua huffed again and Jeonghan kissed him before turning around to lean into his chest and tug Joshua’s hands until his arms were wound around Jeonghan's waist. Joshua ducked his head to kiss the fabric of his shirt and Jeonghan tilted his neck a little to the right.

“Don’t get us kicked out.”

“Baby, I think I’d have to do a lot worse than this to get us kicked out.”

“Not a great way to end your first fancy ball in this fancy job,” Jeonghan murmured, tilting his head back onto Joshua’s shoulder as Joshua kissed his neck. “Don’t wanna get you in trouble.”

“Last thing you’re gonna do, baby.”

They’d migrated to the very edge of the dance floor, neither of them really paying attention to the dancing couples until June and Yanan whirled to a stop in front of them.

“You two really can’t dance, can you?”

“No, we’ve four left feet between us.” Joshua smiled, and Jeonghan straightened his neck.

“Come on,” June held out an arm to them and Jeonghan looked at Joshua, “Come on, I don’t mind which one of you I get, but I dance follow, so which one of you is less abysmal?”

“Joshua is pretty shocking.”

“Looks like it’s you and me then, Jeonghan! Don’t worry, I don’t bite. Promise.” June laughed and Jeonghan smiled, stepping out of the circle of Joshua’s arms to follow her arrangement into the correct position. 

Joshua looked a lot more at ease as Yanan assured him that all he had to do was not trip up and Jeonghan looked back to June.

“I’m really bad.”

She grinned, “Don’t step on my toes.”

Jeonghan did not step on her toes. But when she pulled him off the floor to practically throw him back at Joshua, he didn’t really feel like that was much of an accomplishment.

“You two really can’t dance.” Yanan said in a sort of wondrous awe and Joshua laughed into Jeonghan’s hair.

“We did tell you.”

“Yeah, but everyone _says_ that.”

“Husband, please, let’s dance, I need to forget that, that was–” June put the back of her hand against her forehead in mock faint– “Dreadful, darling.”

Yanan spun her around and dipped her dramatically, “I’ll save you.”

They swept away and into some complicated looking swirly thing, Jeonghan turned to Joshua with a smile and a kiss. They returned to their socially acceptable vertical spooning.

“We’ve been invited for dinner.”

“Oh?”

“They do a _dinner club_ every month.”

Jeonghan could practically feel Joshua’s brain working at that. 

_“Oh?”_

Jeonghan nodded and pulled Joshua’s hands tighter around his waist. “That’s what he said and they were both very—”

“Touchy?”

“Just a little. And June said something odd—”

“I’ll talk to her.”

“I’d like to do dinner but not _dinner_ —”

“Yeah, I know. They’re nice, right?”

“Yeah, they’re both lovely. Their kids are nearly the same age as ours, they wanted to know about schools.”

“Yeah, June was asking me about that during the week too.”

“How long until we can leave?” Jeonghan stifled a yawn and turned a little tighter into Joshua’s chest, they were truly old and boring.

“We can go now if you want?”

Jeonghan nodded but didn’t move, spinning Joshua’s ring around on his finger slowly.

“Come on, you’re falling asleep–” Joshua kissed his cheek and unravelled them– “Let’s say goodbye, and we can go.” 

Jeonghan was practically asleep by the time they got home, leaning heavily against Joshua’s side the whole way up to their apartment and falling onto bed fully dressed.

Joshua tugged his shoes off and threw the duvet over him.

“You’d be better in pyjamas.”

“Sleepy.” Jeonghan muttered and pulled the duvet up higher, falling asleep before he heard Joshua’s response.

  
  
  


“Jeonghan? Baby, where are you?” Joshua called up the stairs and Jeonghan stared carefully into the mirror, painting on eyeliner carefully.

“Baby?”

Jeonghan lifted the pen. “In the bathroom!” He blinked slowly. Okay that was nice. He turned slightly and leaned in closer to the mirror, why did he have to have such shocking eyesight? Pressing two fingers to his cheek to steady his wrist, he drew a little line and closed it down to a wing before closing his eye to paint the line in towards his inner eye. He never used to wear eyeliner, could never get it to sit on his lash line properly but his sister had sent this video a few weeks back. Illuminating.

“What are you up to?” Joshua murmured from the doorway and Jeonghan ignored him for a second, lifting the pen away.

“Doing my makeup?”

“You never wear makeup.”

“Soonyoung’s teacher said something.”

“Something?”

Jeonghan hummed in agreement, closing one eye and then the other, and then fixing two patchy spots.

“What did they say?”

“Makeup was for women.”

“So,” Joshua sounded incredibly fond, “You’re going all out for a parent-teacher meeting to what, embarrass them?”

Jeonghan didn’t answer, capping the pen and dropping it into the jar, rooting out the mascara wand.

Joshua pushed off the door frame and stood behind him, hands settling onto his hips. “Love you.”

“Thanks. What did you want me for?” Jeonghan put the mascara away and turned to him, “Are you coming with me?”

“Yes, but I am wearing this.” Joshua gestured at his work clothes.

“That’s alright, I think I’m camp enough for the two of us right now, love.” Jeonghan swept his hands down the side of his red and white paisley suit and Joshua shook his head with a massive grin.

“Can I kiss you or have you got lipstick on?”

“You can kiss me.”

Joshua laughed and kissed him, only to be pushed away as Jeonghan caught sight of the clock on the wall.

“We’re going to be late, damn it!”

“The kids are going to kill you.” Joshua called after him as Jeonghan ran into the bedroom to put on shoes

“We can say we’re going to a function afterwards.”

“Wonwoo will not accept that.”

“Wonwoo will have to live with that!” Jeonghan darted back into the bathroom to grab a lipstick and hurry Joshua down the stairs, “We’re his parents, he should be used to this by now!”

Joshua flicked off lights and closed doors behind them, pulling the front door and taking the keys from Jeonghan’s hand. 

“You’re not driving in those shoes.”

“Excuse you! I can drive fine in them.”

“Sure you can. But you don’t need to and it’s icy.”

Jeonghan sighed but his lips flicked up into a smile and Joshua rolled his eyes. 

“Baby.”

“What?”

“You’re—”

“What? Tell me–” Jeonghan plugged in his seat belt and leaned back in the passenger seat, turning to regard his husband with a raised eyebrow– “I’d love to know.”

Joshua started the car and turned on the lights, “You’re so full of shit, you know that, love?”

Jeonghan laughed and Joshua shook his head, “I can drive fine in them like you didn’t want me to drive anyway, you mischievous…” Joshua muttered under his breath and Jeonghan turned on the radio with a grin.

Soonyoung didn’t even look at Jeonghan, going straight to Joshua and hugging him tightly before whispering, “Why is Appa dressed like that? Where does he think he’s going? This is my parent teacher meeting, you’re going to make a show of me.”

Joshua drew him to the side, “Sweetheart, your appa is wearing nothing more extravagant than Micheal’s mother. And it’s more tasteful.”

“But Micheal’s mother is a woman, Daddy.”

“And your appa is stylish.”

“Daddy.”

“Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung looked over to where Jeonghan was signing them in, smiling politically at the receptionist who had her glasses practically pressed to her eyes as she tried to close her mouth and failed. “Appa looks nice.”

“Why don’t you go and say hi and tell him that?”

“Mrs. Fleet is going to pick on him.”

“I wish Mrs Fleet luck with that, Soonie.”

Soonyoung nodded and watched as Jeonghan walked over to them, pulling a notebook and a pen out of nowhere and looking at them both.

“Everything okay?”

“Appa, you look great.”

“Thank you, Soonyoung. How are you doing? Which teacher do you want to see first?” 

Soonyoung nodded and dragged them down the hall to his favourite teacher. 

Everyone loved him. 

Most people weren’t too sure about Jeonghan’s suit or his eyeliner or his hair but they knew who they were and they decided to just shut up and say nothing. They still looked and made quiet murmured comments which may have exacerbated the situation, to the point that when Soonyoung’s teacher, Mrs. Fleet did put her pen down and cross her arms and lean over the table, Joshua could practically hear Jeonghan’s mental mantra of ‘start it. I’m begging you to start it cause I will 100% finish it.’

“Mr. Yoon–”

_Strike one._

“It’s Hong.”

She smiled at them as if they were collectively three years old. “Oh, my mistake. Mr. Hong. As you are aware, we are a Christian school.”

Joshua tensed, if she was going to—

“And whatever you may prefer to teach at home, we have a dress code here.”

_Strike two._

“Oh?” Jeonghan smiled, “Have my children been flouting it? I wasn’t aware.”

She swallowed, “Not exactly.”

Jeonghan’s smile grew sharper.

“Your children consistently undermine my authority in class by questioning our teachings. You may not see things as gendered–” she flicked her eyes between them– “but we do and they are. This school does not permit makeup on it’s male students–”

“Why?”

“Because it is–”

“Wrong? It’s makeup there’s nothing wrong with make up if it’s tastefully applied. And forgive me, but I caught sight of plenty of your female students with makeup a lot less tastefully applied than anything my children would ever wear.”

“Your children don’t wear it! They just–” she gestured– “encourage others to!”

“Are you telling me that my children have done nothing wrong?”

“They’ve been inciting–”

“What exactly have they been inciting? I'm unaware if you’ve ever given it thought, but we sent our children here because it follows our faith values, and _we_ were married by a member of your clergy. So if they’re inciting anything, it would just be freedom of expression and self, and that is something that is in your school charter, because I checked.”

She stared at them and Joshua crossed his legs.

“Mrs Fleet, can you tell us how our boys are doing academically, please?”

She nodded and Jeonghan relaxed smugly beside him. There was nothing he enjoyed more than making people uncomfortable and he wasn’t very good at hiding it.

Soonyoung wouldn’t speak to them for half an hour before he reluctantly cracked a smile and agreed to ring them if she said anything.

“Appa’ll sort it.”

“Will you?”

“Absolutely.”

“Two weeks, right?”

“Two weeks and we’ll collect you both.”

“Hyung’s busy.”

“I know, he texted. We’ll see him next week for his careers meeting. Promise.”

He loved his kids so completely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Joshua? Do you want tea?” Jeonghan popped his head into Joshua’s office and quickly made an apologetic expression, rubbing his fist in a circle over his heart and backing out. Zoom calls, kill him right there and then, _please._

Ah!! Jeonghan squeezed his fists tight in embarrassment as he went down the stairs, the call had been full of important looking people, damn it! Damn it damn it damn it!

He put the kettle on and opened his phone, texts from the kids, from his sister, from Seokmin asking when they could call.

Wonwoo was asking if senators could override teachers and cancel homework, because “ _Appa, there are only 24 hours in a day and right now I think I need 50.”_ They’d both call him later on, try and work something out. 

Soonyoung had texted to make sure they were coming to his showcase. Of course they were.

His sister wanted to do a double date and stay in their guest room. Or as she put it, _“I would like a tour of the capital by an elected official. Your elected official. The other Hong. Please?”_ Joshua was mildly alarmed whenever she rang asking for him. She started and ended all their conversations with a threat and while Jeonghan knew it was just how she would show affection to him for the rest of his life, it didn’t exactly feel soft and loving. You’d think he’d have gotten used to it, but apparently not.

Joshua texted. _“Yes, please to the tea. Don’t be too embarrassed! June says hi.”_ Jeonghan liked June. Her husband was really friendly and they’d been over to their house the previous weekend for dinner. He hadn’t had a pavlova that nice in years! They had plans to get together over the summer break and introduce their kids.

They had so many summer plans. Holidaying out of the country for a few weeks, the kids wanted to start a veg patch, there was talk of a cat or a chicken—Wonwoo was particularly insistent on a chicken for some reason—and was looking forward to getting a rake of fancy presents for everyone.

Life was good.

And life was _his_ and _theirs_ and he wouldn’t change any single part of it for the world.

_"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith."_

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm always open to queries or POLITELY WORDED critiques, you can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RoseEnDiamant) on [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.qa/MurderRose) or in the comment box below.
> 
> Rose x


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